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James Breakwell
@
XplodingUnicorn
Indianapolis, IN
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Comedy writer. Pig owner. Dad of 4 girls ages 8 and under. Internet famous. Real-life nobody. My book saves lives: explodingunicorn.com/onlydeadonthei…
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17,718
트윗
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1,759
팔로잉
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1,069,081
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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1시간 |
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Just under an hour left.
twitter.com/XplodingUnicor…
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| James Breakwell 님이 리트윗했습니다 | ||
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Unfridgeworthy
@Unfridgeworthy
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4시간 |
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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5시간 |
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6-year-old: *cuts a gummy worm in half*
Me: What was that for?
6: It'll grow back into two.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6시간 |
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Someday I'll do something so embarrassing they kick me off the internet.
Today might be that day.
youtube.com/watch?v=Rav-zA…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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7시간 |
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6-year-old: Why is it still raining?!
Me: Do you have things to do outside?
6: No. I just like options.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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8시간 |
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2-year-old: I'm out of poop.
Me: I'm sorry?
2: I'll make more soon.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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9시간 |
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I’m giving away another signed book.
To win, sign up for my email list by 11 p.m. Eastern Time.
One person gets the book.
Everyone gets my newest newsletter.
Everybody wins.
(If you’re already on the email list, you’re automatically entered.)
eepurl.com/dravWv pic.twitter.com/bGgBTG6zK3
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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10시간 |
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They discovered the next great topping.
Coming soon to a pizzeria near you. pic.twitter.com/t35HgODkQn
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| James Breakwell 님이 리트윗했습니다 | ||
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Unbelievably Bad
@James_Breakwell
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11시간 |
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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13시간 |
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4-year-old: *wears shorts with oversized winter slippers and her shirt on backwards* How do I look?
Me: Perfect.
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| James Breakwell 님이 리트윗했습니다 | ||
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Wombat Dojo
@WombatDojo
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14시간 |
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 9일 |
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[Trivial Pursuit]
Me: What 1937 Hemingway novel sees Harry Morgan lose an arm?
Wife: A Farewell to Arms.
Me:
Wife: A Farewell to Arm.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 9일 |
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[swimming]
Me: What's wrong?
2-year-old: I'm wet.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 9일 |
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8-year-old: Can we go swimming?
Me: I don't have the breath.
8: PLEASE.
Me: Fine. *blows up 800 pool toys*
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 9일 |
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Vote here:
twitter.com/XplodingUnicor…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 9일 |
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Only a few hours left to weigh in on the most important argument I've ever made while wearing a tuxedo T-shirt.
twitter.com/XplodingUnicor…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 9일 |
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4-year-old: *points at our pig* Look! A space pig!
Me: What makes her a space pig?
4: She's a pig. In space.
I have so much to learn about science.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 8일 |
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She crushed up her Cheez-its.
Now she's eating them with a spoon.
She's the cause of and solution to all her problems. pic.twitter.com/9srg4nHRyi
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 8일 |
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4-year-old: *drinks water* It's my magic potion.
Me: What's it do?
4: Makes me pee.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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6월 8일 |
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Me: Want to hang out?
6-year-old: I have plans.
Me: To do what?
6: Not that.
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