James BreakwellVerified account

@XplodingUnicorn

Comedy writer. Pig owner. Dad of 4 girls ages 7 and under. Internet famous. Real-life nobody. My book saves lives: …

Indianapolis, IN
ExplodingUnicorn.com
Joined August 2012
399 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. Pinned Tweet
    Nov 21

    7-year-old: Do you have a podcast? Me: Do you even know what a podcast is? 7: It's that thing where you talk to yourself and no one listens. She knows exactly what a podcast is.

    336 replies 28,854 retweets 139,920 likes
  2. 56 minutes ago

    This is my daughter's pumpkin necklace. Her sand-filled pumpkin necklace. Note how there's no more sand in it. I'm so scared right now.

    20 replies 72 retweets 988 likes
  3. 2 hours ago

    That's one old bit of wisdom totally destroyed.

    1 reply 2 retweets 85 likes
  4. 13 hours ago
    Replying to

    Miracles are real. If you pay for express shipping.

    Replying to @cam2tran @XplodingUnicorn @auspost
    It’s a zombie apocalypse miracle!
    1 reply 4 retweets 178 likes
  5. 14 hours ago

    Sorry, ladies. This is what's really on guys' minds.

    5 replies 14 retweets 220 likes
  6. 15 hours ago

    Decorating the tree with a song in her heart and two stitches in her head. And a hospital…

    16 replies 17 retweets 527 likes
  7. 16 hours ago

    [decorating the tree] 5-year-old: I’m getting ordinance. Me: Ornaments. 5: Yeah. Ordinance. Shots fired in the war on Christmas.

    11 replies 242 retweets 2,603 likes
  8. 17 hours ago

    Me: I hate putting up the Christmas tree every year. 7-year-old: So why do you take it down?

    64 replies 332 retweets 4,121 likes
  9. 18 hours ago

    This is my wife's worst nightmare.

    7 replies 16 retweets 240 likes
  10. 19 hours ago

    My 2-year-old tipped over in her high chair and needed two stitches. She barely cried. Then I told her she had to share a toy. She cried like she was being murdered.

    32 replies 482 retweets 6,223 likes
  11. 20 hours ago

    [describing the gangs on "West Side Story"] Wife: They fight all the time for no reason. 7-year-old: Are they sisters?

    9 replies 242 retweets 2,928 likes
  12. 21 hours ago

    You’re already making bad choices and buying a bunch of stuff you don’t need today. Might as well buy my book.

    11 replies 26 retweets 388 likes
  13. 22 hours ago

    I offered to give my 2-year-old Skittles if she used the potty. Her counter offer was that she would take the Skittles and do nothing in return. She drives a hard bargain.

    17 replies 130 retweets 2,562 likes
  14. 24 hours ago

    Me: I'm going to clean out the gutters. Wife: Me: Aren't you going to tell me to stay safe? Wife: I've seen your life insurance.

    18 replies 366 retweets 4,477 likes
  15. Nov 23
    Replying to

    Today I'm thankful that Portugal is finally safe.

    After 2 months of excruciating pain from the waiting, Porto is finally safe :)
    11 retweets 275 likes
  16. Nov 23

    Me: Don't lick the dog! 3-year-old: He licked me first.

    44 replies 950 retweets 7,297 likes
  17. Nov 23

    My 3-year-old has been wearing her pants backwards all day. I offered to turn them around. She said no. She's already living her best life.

    10 replies 161 retweets 3,005 likes
  18. Nov 23

    My kids are arguing about whether their imaginary pool in their imaginary mansion has an imaginary diving board and now I have to break up a real slap fight.

    29 replies 401 retweets 4,830 likes
  19. Nov 23

    Me: Ready for some turkey? 5-year-old: I wish the pilgrims ate pizza.

    49 replies 851 retweets 6,218 likes
  20. Nov 23

    I told my kids to circle what they wanted for Christmas in the newspaper ads. It was a failed experiment. I'm not giving my 3-year-old a table saw.

    52 replies 424 retweets 4,826 likes
  21. Nov 23

    7-year-old: I made a Christmas list. Me: Today is about being thankful. 7: I'm thankful you're going to buy me all this stuff.

    22 replies 625 retweets 5,954 likes

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