Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2016 at 11:02pm / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, working as a CNA, my nurse convinced me that in order to collect a stool sample, you had to have the patient take a dump in your hand. I only found out he was kidding after I collected the sample. FML

by poop hands / 12/19/2016 at 10:50pm / United States (Utah) / Work

Today, I went to my uncle's house to celebrate Christmas. His kids don't have their own phones so I let them play with mine. They sent all my contacts messages saying I love them, including two of my ex-girlfriends who both immediately wanted to make up and started to frantically call me. FML

by some explaining to do / 12/25/2016 at 3:34am / United States (California) / Kids

Today I broke my glasses beyond repair. I am very nearly legally blind. I get my glasses at Walmart and today, Christmas, is the only day out of the entire year that they are closed. Merry Christmas to me. FML

by Abu / 12/25/2016 at 5:05am / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that instead of spending Christmas alone with my cat, enjoying chicken quesadillas and a tin of tuna while watching only the best cartoons, my mother's coming over. FML

by hermit's life / 12/25/2016 at 2:11am / United States (Indiana) / Holidays

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

by runfattyrun / 12/25/2016 at 2:19am / Australia (New South Wales) / Holidays

2016/12/15
Blog

Today, I was working Xmas Eve. The managers let themselves off today leaving me, a severely inadequately trained employee, to handle the department. Of course the first customer interaction ended with me bursting into tears, all because I blew up her life-sized storm trooper balloon wrong. FML

by in a w that ballon won't mean sh*t / 12/24/2016 at 11:23pm / United States (Texas) / Holidays

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

by Me / 12/19/2016 at 8:40pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

by meghandix89 / 12/19/2016 at 8:35pm / United States / Kids

Today, I noticed that my two cats have been urinating on my Christmas tree skirt more frequently than in their litter box. I've tried to get them to stop, but I don't know how. FML

by Kpotassium / 12/19/2016 at 4:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Animals

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

by nixwolfwood / 12/19/2016 at 4:14pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend leaving a store. She used to ridicule me for not making much money, but I now have a good job and a BMW. Trying to show off, I cranked up the music and drove by. She looked up right as I hit a car backing out of its parking space. FML

by WiseGuy0481 / 12/19/2016 at 3:18pm / United States / Love

NEXT PAGE


The Top

All FML tops

See all FMLs

See all FMLs

See all FMLs

FML's blog

The whole blog