Obviously I've been having a rough time

and last night I was actually the furthest down I've been in years. Too much stress, probably weird hormones, and funky brain chemistry are conspiring to make me less resilient than usual. Ironically, I started back at the Family-to-Family class that I've taken and taught, this time as a resource person, and I'm finding that maybe my friends should be taking it rather than me, because I seem to be having issues and it's hard, maybe, to be around me just now. This is the first time I've actually been on the laptop rather than my phone in quite some time, attempting to write something a little more substantial than I have lately.

Stressors the last few weeks have been:

1. I'm losing my job as of March 31st. I have an entire library to shut down before then. I've been applying and interviewing, and it's becoming desperate.
2. My mom's been very sick. She's back in a center right now that will hopefully get her back home, but it involves a lot of ups and downs.
3. I've had appointments or places to drive to (either for me or for my friends) almost every day for at least six weeks. On the rare days that I haven't been busy, I've been so tired, I crashed.
4. I'm very low on personal time off as a result, and while my bosses have been very understanding, I've been short on my pay at a time when my finances have been difficult.
5. I really need to get my brakes fixed on the car, and don't have an emergency fund to tap into. Friends can help, but my half is taking awhile to gather, and I'm already behind on bills.
6. I've been trying to be there for months for a friend who has been going through a very difficult time, but I don't have any other real network of my own to help me when I get overwhelmed.
7. I'm going through perimenopause and have had some issues as a result, and a possible cancer scare, and my health in general has suffered over the last few weeks, because my eating and diabetes care has become more haphazard, and I always seem to be running somewhere. If I sleep, I sleep poorly, and usually no more than four or five hours, because I'm trying to make up hours, get things done, take care of all the things I feel I should

So last Sunday, I broke, and finally told my friend that while I wanted to help out, I hated doing my Sunday cleaning list every week. So he said I don't have to do it anymore. Seems good, hmm? No, because now he feels like he can't rely on me at all, I think, and it also means that he had declared that I can't do any of those things for him any more, and he's not really up to doing them at the moment. So I feel like I let him down. Funny, he always quotes the phrase, 'the truth shall set you free', but I don't feel that way at all. I should be happy that after fifteen years or more of coming over on Sundays and cleaning for five to six hours, that I should be relieved. I feel unwanted and miserable. He actually referred to me as the lady who took him to appointments, and I felt like that meant that was all I was to him, after nearly thirty years of friendship. I may be reading stuff into it, but I know he's unhappy with me, and he's pretty much my world. I've focused my life around him for decades. And I'm seeing that as a major problem. I've never found the balance of living my life and being there as a friend, too. And with all the stuff going on in my life lately, everything--my emotions, my housework, my handle on my health--have totally fallen apart. I feel like such a screwup. I'm not sure where I even start putting things back together. But here's what I'm trying to do:

1. Exercise helps stress. I did some earlier this week in our fitness centre at home. But I have to do it very early to be assured I can get it in, and that cuts in on my sleep a bit.
2. I'm trying to sleep for at least six or seven hours, shooting for eight.
3. I'm trying to read (a pleasurable activity I enjoy greatly, and stimulating) at least 30 minutes a day, including listening to audio recordings of books being read.
4. I'm trying to be better about checking my blood sugar, taking my meds, and eating, using a couple of applications to keep track of meals, glucose, medicine, etc.
5. I'm going to try to write more. Writing is a release for me; I've gotten out of the habit, and while my days are not always fascinating reading, it helps to put the words down of what happens and how I'm feeling.
6. I'm going to try to spend time with my friend doing things that are fun for both of us, and help him without sacrificing my own needs.
7. I'm going to see if I can move up my appointment with my psychiatrist, which is three weeks away.
8. I'm going to work on small discrete projects, like taking down the tree (no, I haven't begun to do that, yet), laundry, watering plants, cleaning the bathroom, etc.
9. I"m going to try to breathe and enjoy life as much as I can right now. Because the last few weeks, I haven't been living so much as reacting to problems that arise in life.

It's a start, I guess.

I feel

Terribly unloved at the moment.  I'm not sure if it's actually the case,  but it's how I feel.  I hate that feeling.  :( I'm actually beginning to question the whole point of it all.

It's been a very rough start to 2017

My mom is back in the hospital. She spent six days in a rehabilitation centre, fell, showed major confusion, and wound up back in the university's emergency room. Thursday we had our first snow, which, while minor, wreaked havoc with the roads, followed by single digit and low teen temperatures. It took me two and a half hours to go from work, make a quick stop at Kroger, pick up A, take him home, and then go home myself. I got home about 7 pm. My stepfather barely got back to Danville, as I think they had more snow. That night, my mom's potassium was very high and they wanted someone there who was family, because they had to put in a central line and put her through dialysis to get it down, so about 10:30 pm I went over there, and she was coherent and awake, and we talked, and despite the fact that she was very sick and in the hospital, had a good visit. At one point there was a problem with the central line and they asked me to step out of the room for about 15 minutes, which stretched to an hour. I was in a small waiting/consultation room, and it was dim and quiet, and I nearly fell asleep. I finally got to go back in, and stayed a little while. But by 2 am, I'd been up for 22 hours straight and was afraid I wouldn't be able to drive home on the nasty roads if I stayed much longer. So I headed on home and went straight to bed, got about four hours' sleep, and went to work. I was struggling all day to stay awake. On Friday night I picked A up from where YKWIA was helping him job hunt. I took him home, and went and visited my mom in the observation area. But whe mostly slept, and when she id waken briefly, she didn't know I was there. The nurse did get her to drink her medicine, but beyond that she was unresponsive. I came on home about 11 pm and was very discouraged. My stepfather and I texted back and forth about DNRs and letting go. I updated my aunts. That sort of thing. I was pretty down.

Today I spent most of the day doing errands with friends, and instead of going over to visit my mom, I told my stepfather (who'd come over to find her awake and doing much better) that I would visit in the morning. I then proceeded to crash for four hours. I got up after 8:30, went to Kroger for a few things, where the checkout lane totally shut down and wouldn't scan, so we moved to another lane, and then I somehow didn't get a bag of bread, an apple, and bananas home with me, so I guess it got lost in the shuffle. :(

I feel stressed and anxious. I'm sad and angry and conflicted; the way my mom has bounced back and forth to various extremes is heart-wrenhxhibg. I've had a lot of responsibilities lately, a lot of appointments both for myself and YKWIA and I've been doing some extra projects at work, so I've been going in early. I think last night, when I slept for 8 hours, wa the most I've slept in over a month and a half. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night, and it's been very broken sleep.

I should work on the house, which is reflecting all the inner emotions right now. Instead, I'm trying to calm myself down by listening to the Bastille Pandora station. It isn't helping. I feel bad for not seeing my mom today, although the rest did help a little.

A is going to call me later so I can pick him up at work by 1 am. BUt I think I may take some time to rest some more. I'm just not up to anything else, right now. Hope your new year is off to a better start.

Hmm

A day or so before payday,  and I'm looking in my fridge and freezer,  and find insulin,  hummus,  sour cream,  eggs, naan,  and a giant box of soft pretzels (the latter was a 25-pretzel manager's special for $3.99). Can you tell I live by myself? I guess it's better than a bunch of takeout containers,  but barely. The food in the pantry is a little better,  at least, so I'm not in dire straits or anything.  But when you have more medicine than food in your refrigerator,  I think it says something.

Quote of the day

'Iron rusts from disuse; stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind. So we must stretch ourselves to the very limits of human possibility. Anything less is a sin against both God and man.'--Leonardo da Vinci

Happy New Year!

May 2017 be a really great year,  even though it looks a little sketchy.

Well, that was decidedly odd

I've been burning the candle at both ends, by working long days, doing errands and going to appointments with friends and for myself, visiting my mom (who was transferred to the rehabilitation centre within the nursing home my grandmother used to be in, closer to their home but further away from me), and basically getting about 4-5 hours of broken sleep at a time. So it's probably no wonder that I haven't written much.

I came home about 6:30 or 7 tonight, had a quick bite to eat, and then laid down for a bit. I shot for an hour's nap; I got two, with Pandora in the background and my fan running (I was terribly hot). I'd been having some trouble breathing today, which is why I didn't go get my allergy shots today. Anyway, I slept well. Then I woke up, went to the bathroom, and then the kitchen, where I grabbed something to drink and some string cheese, and I had my glasses off (you know, you get used to your house and can do certain things, even if you're nearly blind without them). But I did notice the light in the aquarium was off, which was odd, because it was on when I got home, and I didn't turn it off. I have several LED bulbs in the aquarium hood--one might have gone out, but that is unlikely, as they're not old and LEDs last a long time. So I went and got my glasses, turned the light to the dining room on, and tried the light. Nothing. I looked around to see what could be amiss, and it turns out the large and one small, heavy pictures on the wall, maps of the world, had fallen off somehow, fortunately straight down, so they didn't hurt the aquarium (29 gallons of water and fish on the floor would not have been good), but they did unplug the light and the pump. So I've plugged those in and I'm going to check and make sure the pump is putting water through in a minute. But it was weird.

There are a few things I need to do this weekend:

1. Get up early tomorrow and go over to YKWIA's house by 8 am and get him up for an appointment.
2. Take him to said appointment.
3. Go get some of his medicine from the pharmacy.
4. Pick him back up.
5. Take him home.
6. Go to the library and return a book. Read off the small amount of fines I have (they've got a fine read-off through tomorrow).
7. Go to work and get some hours in, doing the extra work I agreed to do, which will help keep me from being as short from the holiday for Christmas day from Monday.
8. Come home and work on:
   1. A book review.
   2. The game notes.
   3. The house.
   4. Watch the ball drop at midnight.
   5. Pick up A at 2 am from work on New Year's Eve downtown, hopefully without getting struck by a drunk driver.
   6. Get over to YKWIA's at 9 am Sunday to clean house for the game.
   7. Play the game.
   8. Pick A up at midnight from work. At least I don't need to work Monday due to the holiday, unlike normal, when I struggle to get up in time on Mondays.
9. For Monday--I have physical therapy with YKWIA in the middle of the day. Otherwise, I'm going to try to work on my own house and try to get caught up on my rest.

So, yeah, still busy, and starting the year off just as hectically. Oh, well. Anyway, I hope you all have a good New Year. 2016 has been pretty sucky--here's hoping that 2017 will be much better. Granted, I'm scheduled for a lay-off, but I might do better in the long run.

This is an excellent video

With Simon Sinek about Millennials and the challenges they face in the workplace. It was recommended to me by a coworker.  Apparently it was the day for video recommendations,  as another coworker suggested the Doc Vader videos such as Doc Vader vs.  the Hospital Administrator.  The author,  who also does music video parodies,  is a physician who uploads under the channel name ZDoggMD,  a character played by Zubin Damania, MD.

Just a quick note before bedtime

My mom's doing better.  She's still at UK hospital but in a step-down unit,  where yesterday she was talking,  eating,  and even walked a bit and sat up in a chair.  Today when I was over there I couldn't wake her,  and neither could the nurse practitioner,  so she ordered more medicine to help with the symptoms,  which include extreme sleepiness. Basically,  they're trying to find the right balance between her meds,  lab levels,  and symptoms. She may need some extra PT at a rehabilitation centre nearer to her hometown before getting to go home.  But she's been clear and with it and relatively easy to understand.  I've been over every day from Thursday to today,  except for Saturday,  when we were cooking for Sunday's Christmas dinner.  Sunday we got together for that,  and YKWIA and I went to a late-night showing of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Then we got A from work. Monday night I made latkes for Chanukah. Today it was back to work,  then visiting my mom, helping YKWIA with his house,  and then watching another episode of 'Shadowhunters'.  I think we have two left,  which is good,  as they expire off Hulu on the 31st of December.

Okay,  so much for something brief.  Have a good night.

Checking in

So,  as you can probably surmise from my lack of posts,  I've been very busy.

Monday I found out that everything was fine in terms of my gynaecological health,  and I took a friend to the doctor,  so I went in at 6 am so I could at least work half a day and still go to the two appointments.

Tuesday I worked from 7:45 am to 4:00, and had my counseling session.  I've been under a lot of stress lately,  and he  advised concentrating on maintaining the house and dealing tooth the stress rather than de-hoarding,  so I wouldn't get discouraged.

Wednesday I had PT after working from 6:15 to 4. While I was there,  my stepfather called to tell me my mom was in the hospital again,  this time at UK.  I got out of PT and took care of some things I'd promised to do,  and by the time I was finished it was 9, I was hurting quite a bit,  and was driving on empty, and I figured she was getting settled,  so I went home and went to bed early in the morning,  as I was getting up by 4:30 am.

Thursday I worked from 6:15 to 5, and I was tired,  but I went and visited my mom,  and she was doing pretty well in the ICU.

Today we were off for Christmas Eve,  which,  of course, is on the weekend this year.  I got the 32 hours I needed in this week,  and I have enough PTO for today.  I had a CT scan of my head and one of my lower back at Lexington Clinic first thing this morning,  and my doctor's office called me to let me know both scans were normal. I also went to the grocery,  the ATM,  the library to pick up a hold and pay a small fine,  and I got my allergy shots.  Then I came  home and treated for a bit.  I went to Gabriel Brothers and found 3 Lane Bryant bras for $5, rather than the normal $35. I also found a soft blanket for a friend's who needs his furnace replaced.  Important safety tip: when your friends gives you a smoke detector that doubles as a carbon monoxide detector, do not automatically take out the battery,  thinking it's your cooking.  The CO was being detected and was causing the alarm to go off.  But considering it was going off without a fire present,  the CO turned out to be an issue. After that,  I went home to relax for awhile. I visited with my stepfather and mom.  She was doing even better today. I could understand her and she was joking with John.  The resident said that the ammonia issue is a side effect of the procedure done last year to take care of the tumors she had on her liver at the time.  It was a necessary procedure but it cuts off some of the smaller blood vessels and affects the filtration by the liver.  The key,  he said,  was making sure she she took the lactolose like she should.  He's thinking she'll be an inpatient for at least a few days,  but moved out of the ICU. He thinks she should have some PT there before going back home and they will see about home health.  She's been in and out of the hospital,  so this could help build her strength.  But she's doing much better than she did at Danville's hospital, and I think they are more attentive at UK. She's still sick,  but at least UK seemed more optimistic than Danville,  which was ready to call on hospice and urged my stepfather to do a 'do not resecuitate'  order.  After that I went to YKWIA and he fed me and we watched two episodes of 'Shadowhunters',  which is expiring off his Hulu subscription by the end of the month.  Now I'm home.  It's been a productive day.

Tomorrow I have some things to do for YKWIA,  will visit my mom, and help cook for Sunday.  Sunday there is no game,  but A will come over and we'll all celebrate Christmas.

Monday I'm off for Christmas,  so we're doing Chanukah that night and I'll be making latkes.  Then it's back to long days, as my PTO will run out for Monday, 

It's back to work on Tuesday.  Here's to having a de-stressed holiday.

That's it.  Good night!

Good news on the health front

So I went to my post-op appointment and everything was benign, and while I could take hormones to keep things on a more even keel,  I chose to just let things continue as is unless my symptoms get worse. There was no sign of cancer or hyperplasia.  Instead it was termed 'dysfunction of the uterine lining',  meaning the uterine wall swings between being too thick or too thin. Basically that's a fancy term for a side-effect of perimenopause,  like I hoped,  although given my risk factors it was good to check everything out. So,  no hysterectomy or progesterone IUD required. I'm breathing a sigh of relief tonight.