Drew Curtis' FARK.com

Wed December 21, 2016

Source	Fark Headline		Comments
		Remember how Listerine is supposed to cure the clap? You might want to read this before you go out and and buy an entire pallet to fill your bathtub with source: jezebel.com \| share:	15
		And in today's Reviews of Public Art™: "A sculpture of a lion with a fishtail wearing a top hat in a town centre has been branded 'cultural vomit'" source: bbc.com \| share:	21
		Brazilian firms receive 3.5 billion in fines for bribery, which is a record that Trump plans on breaking within the next 4 years source: money.cnn.com \| share:	42

		Delta Airlines will now accept your word that you are a doctor. What if I'm not a doctor, but I do speak Jive? source: freep.com \| share:	58
		Photoshop these stairs in such a manner that they lead to something more interesting source: contemporist.com \| share:	22
		Good news - the government has ruled that broadband internet is a basic service to all people of the nation, just like telephone service. Oh, I guess that's only good news if you're Canadian source: ctvnews.ca \| share:	37
		Torn from the front page of the Bangor Daily: Lobster Man grateful for Presidential pardon. Florida man remains hopeful source: bangordailynews.com \| share:	19
		3-year-old found in bug box, which apparently is not a good thing. Parents claim the kid went in there on her own. Cops not believing that story and have arrested nine people source: foxnews.com \| share:	80

		Hunter S. Thompson arrested for driving away from police, bats source: wdrb.com \| share:	29
		North Pole predicted to warm 50 degrees above normal Thursday. You had to scrape your car window this morning, so it's all good source: courant.com \| share:	34
		Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip miss annual Christmas pilgrimage for first time in six decades due to "heavy colds." Old Man 2016 still feeling spry source: usatoday.com \| share:	30
		Job-killing bureaucrats in Nigeria seize 2.5 tons of rice from local small businessmen just because the rice in question was made from shredded plastic pellets rather than, say, the grains of an actual plant source: bbc.com \| share:	42
		California's Klan Leader reportedly stabbed Hoosier Klan rep in retaliation for online comments critical of Disneyland rally. Fark: after drinking screwdrivers at North Carolina party celebrating Trump victory source: latimes.com \| share:	53
		Yeah, we know your baby is in the NICU, but we decorated it with wrapping paper and other chintz. Merry Christmas source: today.com \| share:	35
		Putin orders crackdown on bath lotion problems. State Security forces to ensure it puts the lotion on its skin, or it gets the fire hose again source: bbc.com \| share:	9
		"Wikileaks for Mormons" launches for those who fear they did a bit too much LDS source: nbcnews.com \| share:	63
		Authorities make an exception and allow woman to keep her motorcycle-ridin' gator source: actionnewsjax.com \| share:	20
		Trump supporter trying to help two immigrants navigate the JCPenney customer service line source: wave3.com \| share:	193
		48 journalists killed in 2016. Fake news journalists all still alive source: dailymail.co.uk \| share:	17
		Yoga pants are comfy. They're also an assault on manners and a nihilistic threat source: washingtonpost.com \| share:	111
		As many as one in 10 Icelanders protested in front of the Alþingi, the national parliament, demonstrating their anger through the time-honoured tradition of hurling Icelandic yoghurt and waving bananas source: theguardian.com \| share:	18
		Организаторы сецессия Калифорнии говорят, что они открыли посольство в Москве source: rawstory.com \| share:	38
		NC GOP reneges after Charlotte repeals discrimination protections: The "repealed" HB2 prohibits municipalities from passing discrimination protections source: thinkprogress.org \| share:	175
		Photoshop this watery seat source: c1.staticflickr.com \| share:	22
		Remember the days when you would just blow second-hand pot smoke in your pet's face? source: bloomberg.com \| share:	28
		The guy everybody calls to handle the aftermath of the world's worst disasters source: gq.com \| share:	24
		Disney becomes the first studio to make $7 Billion on films that will, according to Hollywood Accounting™, not make any money or pay royalties until 2050. After lighting a cigar with a $100, the spokesperson also blamed piracy for the downturn source: dailymail.co.uk \| share:	86
		EU court says the government has no right to look at your browsing history. So your love of Gilmore Girls fan fiction is safe, UK Farkers source: metro.co.uk \| share:	19
		Illinois lost more residents in 2016 to exodus than any other state source: chicagotribune.com \| share:	138
		Major accident in Houston leaves Vodak bottles broken and scattered everywhere, I bet the Russians rigged this source: abc13.com \| share:	24
		Big Ben is undergoing repairs so a British school girl offers to say 'Bong' on BBC radio when the chime normally plays -- here's the reply source: bbc.com \| share:	70
		There are weird Christmas traditions and then there is having to rap battle a skeletal horse on Christmas morning in Welsh source: hyperallergic.com \| share:	35
		Young fugitive from Tataouine sought in latest attack. This is not a repeat from long, long ago source: dailymail.co.uk \| share:	70
		British porn star gets paid $15,000 to attend Christmas party and causes outrage by stripping naked. Man who booked her insists 'we didn't expect her to do that' source: talkradio.co.uk \| share:	81
		Let's check in with Alaskan politicos to see how well they're taking Obama's latest no drilling regulation. Oh, my source: adn.com \| share:	48
		The way Uber's self-driving cars have been programmed to take turns makes them more likely to hit bicyclists on the road. I guess we'll file that one under "feature" source: slate.com \| share:	52
		Social Security benefits for retirees being garnished to pay for student loan debt. And there you were, thinking your degree in improvisational dog ballet would pay off once you hung up your Starbucks barista apron source: aol.com \| share:	98
		Russia unhappy with new US sanctions, threatens 'response'. Trump too busy tweeting about SNL to respond source: reuters.com \| share:	34
		For some unknown reason, after 65 years, no one's calling the Time and Temperature number any more. Did something new get invented that's easier and more ubiquitous? source: star-telegram.com \| share:	65
		December 21 marks the Winter Solstice, and here are some facts about it besides the days getting longer from here on out source: deslide.clusterfake.net \| share:	48
		Meet the black guy who has convinced more than 200 people to quit the KKK just by talking to them source: dailymail.co.uk \| share:	93
		Seven people rescued after 39 hours trapped in Indiana cave. They all agree that it was the best time they ever had while living in Indiana source: foxnews.com \| share:	49
		What better way to warm the hearts of China's northernmost village than to have the national pole-dancing team perform for them at -33°C source: shanghaiist.com \| share:	42
		When it comes to erecting a 300-pound pentagram near a Nativity scene, there's no hate like Christian hate. "Keep Saturn in Saturnalias" source: cbsnews.com \| share:	282
		In the age-old battle of SUV versus mobility scooter, the outcome can only be Florida source: tampabay.com \| share:	23
		Broken escalator decides to become a catapult rather than stairs source: gothamist.com \| share:	32
		Milk farmers would like to remind Americans that milk actually only comes from cows, not soy, almonds, rice, hemp, pistachios, or other non-udder-having items source: npr.org \| share:	116
		Actual headline: Gasoline and Diesel Fuel Aren't Interchangeable source: whnt.com \| share:	68
		There once was a man from Calcutta, who went to see a cow for some butter, but when he arrived, the cow was alive, and now he feasts on some nutter. THIS is your Fark Writer's Thread source: fark.com \| share:	16
		When you're a cat rapper from Portland, it's perfectly normal to put on a show from your bathtub source: oregonlive.com \| share:	32
		Science proves there are actually more health benefits to masturbating than not masturbating. MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE source: medicaldaily.com \| share:	89
		So how can we help the homeless? A billionaire suggests housing them in storage containers, dangling spare change just out of their reach source: msn.com \| share:	181
		Fark Store Daily Deal: Softorino YouTube Converter. Download and save your favorite YouTube videos or even just the audio, replay on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac. Windows version also available. MacWorld review in the comments. (Sponsored Link) source: deals.fark.com \| share:	11
		Photoshop what these hands are holding source: orig08.deviantart.net \| share:	28
		Chicago is now colder than Mars. Although you probably won't get shot on Mars source: dnainfo.com \| share:	56
		"Dear Prudence: My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding in its entirety; I thought this would give us full control. My bridesmaids were outraged I want them to wear jackets over sleeveless dresses and calling me Bridezilla. Should I just elope?" source: slate.com \| share:	170
		NYPD hunting for man who stole pot of gold, ask citizens to be on the lookout for a short man in a green outfit muttering about the theft of his lucky charms source: cnn.com \| share:	42
		Four bodies of missing drug gang members found on New York cop's property. It was an accident. They accidentally got dead and buried on my property. What's the big deal? source: usatoday.com \| share:	80
		US Air Force to retire the F-4 Phantom. This is not a repeat from 1996 source: kob.com \| share:	149
		Navy to recognize different kinds of seamen again source: news.usni.org \| share:	31
		Sorry bacon but just because you're linked to some bogus asthma symptoms from some anti-bacon study doesn't mean I'm giving you up hack cough source: metro.co.uk \| share:	37
		Someone broke in and stole 15 of our chainsaws and hedge trimmers. And hey, whose phone is this anyway source: 10news.com \| share:	16
		China is in seeing the results of the recent economic stimulus. An 'airpocalypse' affecting half a billion people source: theguardian.com \| share:	82
		Remember that lane straddling "bus" that China unveiled a few months ago? Well, they don't know what you're talking about, it never existed and you can't even search for it on the internet, so there source: mashable.com \| share:	46
		Newspapers blame their irreversible decline on: A) inaccurate reporting. B) 24/7 news channels C) Craigslist source: politico.com \| share:	47
		All right. All right. Please disperse. Nothing to see here source: mirror.co.uk \| share:	71
		Chuck E. Cheese - where a kid can be a kid and adults can get drunk and fight the cops source: bostonglobe.com \| share:	57
		Why steal a package off a porch when you can steal a whole truck full? source: cbs5az.com \| share:	31

Tue December 20, 2016

	More and more pregnant women are smoking weed. That's ok. Subby's mother smoked weed when she was pregnant with him and subby turned out...like...wait, what was I doing?...typing is hard...hey, are those chocolate chip cookies? source: jezebel.com \| share:	143
	Opening a strip club next to a convent. So how did that work out for you? source: wgntv.com \| share:	73
	"Invasive vaginal pat-down" sounds like a good band name or Fark handle, but it's not something you want from the TSA source: edition.cnn.com \| share:	136
	Stonehenge, Where the demons dwell, where the banshees live and they do live well... is busy this time of year source: earthsky.org \| share:	27
	🎶 On the 9th day of Xmas the 27th state gave to me: 9 prior arrests, 8 police cars chasing, 7 red lights run, 6 cuts to the face, 5 suspended licenses--4 assaulted officers, 3 conflicting police reports, 2 smashed cars and 1 severed ankle monitor 🎶 source: abcnews.go.com \| share:	10
	State Farm Insurance: "Hey Washington State hasn't had an earthquake in a while, I think we should raise rates 117% this year." Insurance regulators: "Ok" source: emergencymgmt.com \| share:	68
	Prince Harry says that to be happier, you should spend less time on your smartphone and more time in your many castles frolicking with supermodels source: telegraph.co.uk \| share:	47
	If you're collecting workers' comp and keep telling the doctors that you're injured and unable to work, don't get caught teaching kickboxing source: silive.com \| share:	25
	Photoshop top toe tanglers source: static-ssl.businessinsider.com \| share:	16
	"Men who got away with it in 2016" instead of a pretty annual recap fluff piece. Because 2016 source: jezebel.com \| share:	139
	Four more officials charged in Flint water crisis. Two of them reported to governor Rick Snyder. Governor Rick Snyder still charge free source: cnn.com \| share:	33
	Yeah, Trump, you just watch yourself, or we'll respond with Canada's weapons of mass destruction...RABID BEAVERS source: ctvnews.ca \| share:	54
	Don't look like a criminal. This has been a message from the Massachusetts Registry of Motor Vehicles facial recognition department source: bostonglobe.com \| share:	18
	Flow chart that shows connections between Trump, Russia and White Nationalists looks exactly like an Escher staircase after a fight with a Xerox machine source: littlegreenfootballs.com \| share:	96
	Man dressed in Chewbacca costume committed grand theft. Now the police force is with him source: thesmokinggun.com \| share:	19
	We can expect "war, famine, disaster and disease" say the Dems who lost the election? No. Says the ancient religious relic that refuses to ooze source: theweek.com \| share:	52
	Soylent: "We're not causing you that violent diarrhea, it's that algal flour stuff." Algal flour supplier TerraVia: "Then I guess you won't be needing us for any of your other products" source: arstechnica.com \| share:	76
	We all know the "war on Christmas" is a thing, here's a brief history of how it got that way source: nytimes.com \| share:	66
	Listerine may cure gonorrhea, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "The Burn Means It's Working" source: statnews.com \| share:	36
	Lobster Boat Captain: A freak storm killed my crew. The waves...the lightning...it was horrible. I barely survived. Investigators: So what's with all this Oxy and alcohol in your system? Lobster Boat Captain: FREAK STORM source: washingtonpost.com \| share:	33
	'No way to prevent this' says region where this happens regularly source: nytimes.com \| share:	40
	The Episcopal/Anglican "Christmas Carol Service" was invented in the 1880's by future Archbishop of Canterbury Edward White Benson, whose wife was a famous diarist with 39 lesbian lovers and whose sons were the novelists--wait, back up just a bit source: bbc.com \| share:	34
	$2 million worth of psychedelic mushrooms were seized from a NYC house. Authorities then watched as the house transformed into a spaceship with Chrissie Hynde at the helm and flew away into a swirling multi-colored vortex source: aol.com \| share:	51
	Russian deep-sea fisherman posts some of the weirder things he has caught. Japanese diners reach for the wasabi source: gizmodo.com \| share:	40
	Singer Richard Marx helps flight crew subdue violent passenger. Also helping were Daisy Fuentes, Groucho, Harpo, and some lady who speaks jive source: spin.com \| share:	70
	Smuggling Coke into the country inside a crate of Pepsi. There's a certain level of genius at play here. Not much, but some source: kentonline.co.uk \| share:	15
	PETA to protest wool clothing, because apparently industries that rely on keeping animals alive and healthy are bad source: startribune.com \| share:	91
	For the first time in years, Texas did not lead the nation in executions. LOSERS source: wtop.com \| share:	20
(Some Guy)	Photoshop this nightmarish antique toy source: antiquetoyworld.com \| share:	15
	Gunman in Zurich mosque shooting had 'links to occult' according to police. Peace-loving Cthulhu cultists around the world issue immediate denunciations source: thelocal.ch \| share:	43
	Fark's 2016 Headline of the Year contest: Politics headlines source: fark.com \| share:	39
	Fark's 2016 Headline of the Year contest: Entertainment headlines source: fark.com \| share:	36
	Insert rectum, damn near killed him joke here. Heh, insert source: nj.com \| share:	15
	If you're seeking Kyle, he's on his porch across from the elementary school... cradling an assault rifle. Because, you know, he's a "hunter" source: kwch.com \| share:	295
	Berlin police discover that maybe grabbing the first swarthy-looking guy you see after a possible terrorist attack isn't such a good idea source: bbc.com \| share:	71
	Those Bothans didn't just die stealing the Death Star plans. A lot of them fell to their deaths through all the gaping plot holes in the movie source: heatst.com \| share:	327
	North Korea's "nuclear explosion" in 2010 was actually an earthquake source: ibtimes.com \| share:	24
	You're the Pentagon, and you've commissioned a new "blast gauge" that you hope will help detect soldiers' brain injuries caused by nearby explosions. Except, it's actually detecting brain injuries caused by soldiers firing their own weapons. Wat do? source: npr.org \| share:	116
	Help solve the ten second attempted robbery, which is also what your wife calls the last time you had sex source: wgno.com \| share:	43
	Fark Store Daily Deal: Flying Spaghetti Monster / Cthulhu ski mask. (Sponsored Link) source: deals.fark.com \| share:	12
	Detectives originally thought the victim died of natural causes having previously had keyhole surgery to his chest, but it later emerged he had been shot six times source: bbc.co.uk \| share:	48
	Awww yeah I just caught a pikachu, who da man, who da ma-BOUMP BOUMP source: wsbradio.com \| share:	72
	Woman wins over $77k on scratch-off lottery ticket after husband dies of cancer. No word on what her third wish was source: fox59.com \| share:	59
	Well at least the Upper Mid-West will get to enjoy a white Christmas. They'll freeze off their jingle-bells in the process, but hey, anything for Bing Crosby. Love that guy source: businessinsider.com \| share:	55
	Photoshop this LED tunnel source: cdn.theatlantic.com \| share:	47
	Actual math problem: "Tony can send 5 texts and 3 nudes in 19 minutes. He could also send 3 texts and 1 nude in 9 minutes. How long would it take him to send one text and one nude?" Teacher now learning impact of negative numbers in HR file source: fox8.com \| share:	116
	Uber driver really, really doesn't like it when you tap on the window of his vehicle. Really source: freep.com \| share:	96
	Breaking: After two years, investigators have concluded that MH370 is still lost source: apnews.com \| share:	41
	Nativity scene removed over concerns it might offend town's four Muslims. That makes no frankincense source: express.co.uk \| share:	137
	You've got your red wine in my hot chocolate ...no you've got your hot chocolate in my red wine. Any way you pour it, it sounds great source: nytimes.com \| share:	30
	Today in Scientists Are Cash-Grabbing Whores: "Sugar Ain't So Bad," sponsored by the sugar industry source: npr.org \| share:	136
	China hands back US drone. Perhaps they'd like an exchange? source: uk.reuters.com \| share:	56
	As it has always been and will forever be, Farkers, your number is zero source: rawstory.com \| share:	97
	Instead of putting all your money in the stock markets, you'd be better off investing it in preschool source: mnn.com \| share:	34
	Another great reason to visit the famous Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colorado: the 1,200 choices of whiskey source: denverpost.com \| share:	38
	Today's ridiculously priced, attention-whoring food item is a $2,000 pizza source: esquire.com \| share:	62
	Is grandma spry? source: actionnewsjax.com \| share:	17
	Synagogue beefs up security after receiving threatening letters blaming the world's problems on the Jews and Ron Howard source: tallahassee.com \| share:	72

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