Jeff Wysaski

Isolating ourselves from the world is a bad idea trust me I've been doing it for years things aren't going great last night I sang to my cat

Dinosaurs were giant lizards if we selectively breed iguanas to be larger we can have them back at any time

Small ways to feel happy: Hug a friend Eat a cookie Light a sword on fire & swing it around in your yard while listening to AC/DC Pet a dog

Your horoscope Aries: DEATH IS COMING Taurus: DEATH IS COMING Gemini: DEATH IS COMING Cancer: DEATH IS COMING Leo: DEATH IS COMING Virgo: DE

Sometimes you've just got to turn up the music and dance across the fallen bodies of all those who dared oppose you

I hate when ur running late & a dark army surrounds your car & you're like oh great now I have to defeat the skeleton king thanks universe

[on phone with wife] Her: did you buy the ladder? Me: [loading giraffe into truck bed] not exactly

If we named all rooms like we named the study the bedroom would be the Sleepy & the den would be the Crying on the Floor Why Am I So Sad

[watching the news] Kid: dad, I'm scared Dad: HI SCARED, I'M also scared this is terrifying I am legitimately worried for this country

A true friend is: Loyal Giving Kind Giving again Truthful Gives me lots of things Like money And food A true friend gives me money and food

"Go to hell" is so abstract. "Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months." Now that's specific. That's possible. That's terrifying.

In 1826 we trapped the demon Bal in a book & when Google scanned it he was set free online that's why everyone is terrible on the Internet

2017 fashion trend: putting tiny light-up shoes on puppies, I hope

When it comes to the environment use the 3 Rs Reduce Reuse Recite mystical spells calling forth the Forest God to rise & take back its land

Every country has unique food delicacies for example Spain has paella and Britain has an old tire covered in beans

Don't visit an abandoned copper mine unless you're willing to solve the mystery of how the ghosts got there and also how to free them

If u gaze into the eyes of a 9-tailed fox u will receive untold wisdom & also a Creed CD don't ask why just take it he'll be sad if u don't

Don't worry about me, unless i'm crying and carrying two swords.