copypasta

My father is a fishing fanatic. Half of the apartment filled with fucking fishing rods the worst. About once a month somebody steps into a hook or an anchor that's lying on the floor and it needs to be removed at the hospital because that shit is spiky at the edges. I've already had 10 such surgical interventions in my 22-year-old life. Last week I went for some random check-up, and the receptionist told me right away to take my shoe off xD because she thought that I had a hook stuck in my foot once again. The other half of the apartment is fucking stuffed with The Fisherman, Fishing World, Super Carp xD etc. Every week my father takes a spin around town to collect all the fishing magazines. I was stupid enough to introduce him into the Internet, because I had thought that we would save a bit of money on the newspapers. But now, not only does he still buy them, but he also sits on some online forums for fishers and starts shitstorms with other fishers about the best baits etc. He sometimes yells into the screen, and he's even thrown the fucking keyboard out the window. Once he really pissed me off, so I created an account there and trolled him. I commented some random shit under his posts, such as "carps eat shiet". My mother could barely catch up with cooking up hunter's stew to soothe him. Oh yea, he already has a "CATFISH" rank on the forum, for having created 10K fucking posts. When it's warm, he goes fishing every weekend. For the last 5 years, I've been eating fish for dinner every Sunday, and my father always repeats some bullshit theories about eating this water trash. When I got accepted to college, he would not shut up for a whole fucking week that it's due to the fact that I eat a lot of fish, since they contain phosphorus and my brain functions better. Every Saturday, he and his buddy Ron wake the whole family up at 4 o’clock in the morning. They make a lot of noise packing up their rods, making sandwiches etc. During meals he always talks about God-damn fish, and the conversations always trails off to the US Fishing Association. My father gets himself really angry and always gets butthurt "durr they don't replenish the lakes enough those fucking thieves hurr," he gets all red while saying that and walks away from the table cursing, and goes away to read the Great Encyclopedia of River Fish in order to calm down. This year he got himself an inflatable dinghy for Christmas. Of course he couldn't wait until the 25th; he unpacked it last night and pumped it up in our living room. He put on his entire fishing outfit and sat in the dinghy for the rest of the night, right in the middle of our apartment. He had dinner (carp) in it too [cool][bye] If they gave me access to all the fish in the US, I'd fucking kill them all. On one of my birthdays, back in elementary or middle school, my father took me fishing as an exception. Great fucking present, bitch. We drove off way out of the fucking town. We're walking to the lake, and his eyes are already lighting up, and he's licking his lips all excited. He set up all of his equipment, we're sitting at the water and staring at the bobbers. After 5 minutes I got bored, so I turned on my discman. My father slapped me across the fucking head with his rod and said that the fish hear music coming out of my headphones, get scared and leave. Whenever I wanted to scratch my ass, he would "scream-whisper" at me not to fidget, because I'm causing a rustle, the fish see me move and swim away. I had to sit there motionless for 6 hours, as if I were at fucking Guantanamo, and stare at the water. My birthday is in November, so it was also cold as fuck. At one point, my father got up, walked away several feet into the woods, and ripped a fart. He explained to me that he had to do it in the woods because the fish can hear and smell it. I once mentioned that my father has a buddy, Ron, and that they go fishing together. Back in the days, my father's fishing mate was hehe Dicky. A ball-shaped individual with a moustache, dressed in a BOMBER jacket 365 days in the year. He and my father were almost like brothers, him and his wife Matilda would come over our house on Christmas etc. Once, on my father's birthday, Dicky came over for a drink. They got wasted as fuck and, of course, they wouldn't stop talking about fishing. I was sitting in my room. All of a sudden they started yelling at each other about what is generally better: pike or catfish. "DON'T YOU FUCKING PISS ME OFF DICKY, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A PIKE'S TEETH? OM NOM NOM AND YOUR FUCKING ARM IS GONE" "HOLY SHIT EDDIE, CATFISH WEIGH 180 LBS, YOUR PIKES CAN FUCKING SUCK THEM OFF" "YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING CATFISH MEANWHILE YOU CAN BARELY PULL A FUCKING BLEAK OUT OF THE WATER. A PIKE IS THE KING OF WATER, LIKE A LION LIKE THE KING OF THE JUNGLE." And they started fucking wrestling on the living room carpet, and my mother and I had to separate them. They've completely stopped talking ever since. Last year Dicky's wife called to tell us that Dicky has kicked the bucket and she's inviting us to the funeral. My mother picked up, gave her our condolences, put the phone down and told my father. And he said: "Very fucking well" That's how much he hated him for that catfish. I have also mentioned my father’s archenemy, the US Fishing Association. It’s become completely obsessed with it, for example when somebody on television is talking about an earthquake somewhere, he starts mumbling under his breath that instead they should talk about those motherfuckers from the USFA. He also stopped reading non-fishing newspapers because he got butthurt that they aren’t talking about the USFA and their scandals. The chairman of our local USFA office is a guy called Adam. To my father he’s the incarnation of all the evil that has been inflicted upon all the American reservoirs by the Association, and my father waged a war against him for many years. Once he went to some fishing meeting where Adam was giving a talk and my father came back home with a ripped-up shirt because they were removing him from the room by force, that’s how apeshit he went. After being physically defeated by the USFA, my father began a partisan struggle over the Internet, which included badmouthing the Association and Adam himself on local newspapers’ discussion groups. He was saying some bullshit about Adam being a member of the Communist Party of America, or that he had seen him in the street vandalizing somebody’s car with a nail etc. I had not taught my father into TOR, so he got busted by the cops and had to pay Adam a 2000 dollar reparation for slander. It was impossible to survive at my house for an entire week, my father was bitching about the corrupt court system, the USFA, Adam, and the whole world in general. According to his bullshit theories, the USFA ran the entire country as if they were the Masonic Order, it pulled the strings everywhere and everybody had their back. He was also converting the 2000 into rods, fishhooks and dinghies, and he kept getting butthurt about how much vanilla bait he could get with that (a few hundred pounds). Sometime last year he came to a conclusion that he really has to have a fishing boat because renting one out is too expensive and everybody is trying to cheat him out. “son, you catch really big ones out in the water! That’s what it’s about!” But he couldn’t afford it and he had nowhere to keep it and he’s not a loser who would pay for storage space. So he made a deal with some fishers from the area that they will pool in and buy a boat, it’ll be staying at some guy’s who has a house and not an apartment like us, on a trailer at a driveway, and they’ll be sharing the boat or they’ll be going fishing together. At first the cooperative was going well, but one weekend my father got sick and couldn’t go with them and he got extremely butthurt. Those buddies of his were calling to say that the fish are getting baited like morons, so he was just lying on the couch, all angry, red and wheezing. What made the situation worse was that he had nobody to blame for this situation, which is what he would always do. Finally he came to a conclusion that it isn’t fair that they are fishing without him because everybody paid an equal share of the boat’s price, and on Sunday night, when those guys had returned from their trip, he suddenly left the house. He came back after an hour and said that I have to help him with something in front of the house. I went outside and I saw our car and, attached to it, the trailer with the boat on top xD I ask him where he got it, and he said that he fucking stole it from some guy’s house because they cheated him out, and he told me to grab the boat because we’ll carry it into our apartment XD It was no use to explain that it’ll take up the entire living room. Fortunately the boat didn’t fit into the building’s door so my father decided that he’ll leave it in front of the building. Using some chains that we had found on the boat and my combination lock he chained it to the lamp post and he wanted to go home all happy, but then he saw 2 cars full of fishers co-owners, who had figured out where their property could be xD It all turned into a huge mess, the fishers were yelling why did he take the boat and that he has to return it, and my father was screaming that they cheated him out and that he chipped in 500 bucks yet he didn’t go fishing this week. I was trying to calm the situation down so that he doesn’t get beat the fuck up, because that was close. After several minutes, the situation looked like this: -My father is lying on the floor, tightly embracing the boat and screaming that he won’t give it back; -The fishers are screaming at him to give it back; -One of them has gotten his nose broken because he had grabbed my father’s leg in an attempt to pull him away from the boat and got kicked with the other leg; -Two police officers are pulling my father’s legs and saying that they have to take him to the station because he’s injured someone; -The neighbors all around are looking out their windows; -My mother is crying and begging my father to let go of the boat and the officers not to arrest him; -Me sadfrog.jpg Finally, the officers pulled him away from the boat. I gave the fishers the code to my lock and they took the boat, beforehand throwing him 500 dollars and saying that he has no more rights to the boat and that it would be better for him if he doesn’t run into them while fishing. My mother bargained out of the officers not to arrest my father. The guy who received a kick in the face said that he doesn’t want to go to the fucking police station and he doesn’t give a shit, and he doesn’t want to see my father ever again. My father still starts shitstorms on fishing discussion pages, because they had opened a new thread in which they warned people from making any deals with him. I was observing the thread and I saw that he had created obviously fake accounts. “Steven54” “Number of posts: 1” “This thread has been created by some idiots! I have known the user “OPs-father” for a while and he’s a very trustworthy person and a great fisher! They want to destroy his reputation because they’re jealous of the fish he’s caught!” Later on he used those accounts to harass his former boat co-owners. Whenever one of them would create a new thread, my father would fucking go and say that, for example, he catches shitty fish and it’s easy to tell that he sucks at fishing xD Using these fake accounts he would comment on his own threads, and when he would post pictures of the fish he had caught, he’d write to himself “Ohhh, congratulations! I can tell you’re an experienced fisher!” And he’d celebrate and later show it to my mother for her to see how they’re praising him on the discussion group.