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James Breakwell
@
XplodingUnicorn
Indianapolis, IN
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Comedy writer. Pig owner. Dad of 4 girls ages 7 and under. Internet famous. Real-life nobody. My book saves lives: explodingunicorn.com/onlydeadonthei…
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16 675
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37 102
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994 103
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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33 min |
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Here's a behind-the-scenes look at how I made that video.
jamesbreakwell.com/2017/11/sealin…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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3 h |
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My brother proposed to his girlfriend.
She's Chinese, so he learned to ask her in Mandarin.
When she answered, he stared at her blankly.
He forgot to learn the words for "yes" and "no."
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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5 h |
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I tell my kids not to eat those all the time. They never listen.
unfridgeworthy.com/2017/11/i-see-…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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7 h |
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Thick or thin crust pizza?
Watch yourself.
There's only one right answer.
soundcloud.com/user-332195279…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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11 h |
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Once a year, I send my kids to school and daycare, take the day off work, and day drink and play Xbox with my friends.
How does my wife feel about that?
Ask her. pic.twitter.com/LbAmIc378i
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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13 h |
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Some warm thoughts for a cold day.
wombatdojo.com/2017/11/cold-n…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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15 h |
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You chose wisely. Enjoy having a long and productive life. twitter.com/ShannaSturmfel…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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21 h |
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Ask your local library to order it. That's free to you and still helps me out.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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22 h |
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[the new Doctor Who is a girl]
Me: This changes everything.
Wife: Yeah. Now he'll never get lost.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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5-year-old: I don't want to go to school anymore.
Me: You have to. It's your job.
5: Then why don't I get paid?
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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Both
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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I finally did it, and this is the thanks I get.
jamesbreakwell.com/2017/11/helpin…
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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3-year-old: *squeezes stuffed unicorn*
Me: You don't have to hug it so hard.
3: I'm getting its powers.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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My kids think you should buy this book.
Do you really want to disappoint them?
amzn.to/2thAM2K
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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Me: Clean up your toys.
5-year-old: Dinosaurs don't clean up.
Me: Since when are you dinosaur?
5: Since you told me to clean up.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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My 5-year-old called the frost on the car "frosting" and I just realized her world is 1,000 times better than mine.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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My kids know what's up. pic.twitter.com/2uDtAnv1Gl
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 9. |
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[pig loses a baby tooth]
5-year-old: Now the tooth fairy will come!
Me: I don't think the tooth fairy comes for pigs.
5: She does, but the money goes to me.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 8. |
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Me: What did you learn at school today?
5-year-old: Boring stuff I didn’t want to know.
Me: Maybe you'll learn something fun tomorrow.
5: I already learned all the good stuff.
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James Breakwell
@XplodingUnicorn
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nov. 8. |
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Absolutely.
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