For a moment this week it felt as if the sneering, embittered media hysteria surrounding Donald Trump was starting ever so slightly to subside. But not so fast. The New York Times, the paper of record of urban liberal contempt for Deplorable America, discovered a fresh new outrage: Trump’s nominee for ambassador to Israel.

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For a moment this week it felt as if the sneering, embittered media hysteria surrounding Donald Trump was starting ever so slightly to subside. But not so fast. The New York Times, the paper of record of urban liberal contempt for Deplorable America, discovered a fresh new outrage: Trump’s nominee for ambassador to Israel.

David Friedman is a prominent and successful attorney in New York who has spent 20 years representing Donald Trump, among other clients. He is also a proud Jew who holds unapologetic pro-Israel views that are heretical in Times-world, and he has also expressed acid disdain for the kind of Jewish anti-Israel activism regularly glorified in the pages of the Times.

So he must be destroyed—and to destroy him he must be lied about. Which is what the Times did.

The report, by Matthew Rosenberg, is a caricature of political frustration and resentment masquerading as news. The headline, of course, is “Trump Chooses Hard-Liner As Ambassador to Israel,” the phrase “hard-liner” being an all-purpose Times denigration of anyone who holds political views anathema to liberals, but never as a description of liberals who hold views anathema to conservatives.

Friedman, Rosenberg writes, is “a bankruptcy lawyer aligned with the Israeli far right” who “did not wait long on Thursday to signal his intention to upend the American approach” to Israel. He has “no diplomatic experience” and “could end up undercutting the security of Israel and the United States and condemn ‘the Palestinians to further disenfranchisement and dispossession.’” (The quote is from the anti-Israel activist Daniel Levy, who helped found J Street, an important detail that Rosenberg curiously omitted.)

Rosenberg expanded his attack on Friedman on Twitter:

Next Amb to Israel: More Settlements? Done. Annex West Bank? Sure. But dovish Jews? Worse than Jews who aided Nazis https://t.co/kg5a3x9mg8

— Matthew Rosenberg (@AllMattNYT) December 16, 2016

What does it say about the newsroom culture at the Times that someone so openly and casually biased about a particular issue is employed to cover that issue? And wasn’t it only a few weeks ago that Times brass released a mea culpa admitting that the paper had let its hostility to Trump get out of hand?

But this tweet is where things go completely off the rails, because here Rosenberg is actually fabricating a claim about Friedman:

Trump Chooses Hard-Liner as Ambassador to Israel — said Jews who support two-state solution “are not Jewish” https://t.co/stII3meNpt

— Matthew Rosenberg (@AllMattNYT) December 16, 2016

What Friedman actually said at the Saban Forum, which this claim is taken from, is that J Street, which promotes itself as a Jewish and pro-Israel group, embodies the values of neither Judaism nor the pro-Israel community (allow me to enthusiastically co-sign this assessment). But instead of reporting this, Rosenberg replaced “J Street” with “Jews who support the two-state solution” and asserted that Friedman said all those millions of Jews “are not Jewish.”

That is the small lie. The bigger lie is the piece’s studious conflation of J Street with “Jews who support two states” in order to then conflate opposition to J Street with opposition to two states—and to present Friedman as an enemy of American Jews. But nobody opposes J Street because of the group’s claimed support for two states. The group earns its opprobrium through ceaseless apologetics for Israel’s enemies, promotion of anti-Israel policies such as the Iran deal and the endorsement by Congress of the Goldstone Report, and fundraising for anti-Israel politicians such as Keith Ellison.

What the Times is doing here is obvious: The paper is attempting to normalize the extremist agenda of J Street and then to rebrand mainstream critics of that agenda as the real extremists. This isn’t reporting—it is political activism, and not even honest political activism. It is also the reason why fewer and fewer people trust the New York Times today and why the president-elect is right to castigate the paper so disrespectfully. The Times has earned it.

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There’s a new episode of The Substandard, the only podcast in America in which some dudes talk about popular culture! This week we talk about cruises (which I hate) and guilty pleasures (which I deny exist). Listen below, subscribe here! You can also leave a review there. Do it, do it now! One thing that comes …

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There’s a new episode of The Substandard, the only podcast in America in which some dudes talk about popular culture! This week we talk about cruises (which I hate) and guilty pleasures (which I deny exist). Listen below, subscribe here! You can also leave a review there. Do it, do it now!

One thing that comes up early on in the show this week is my complaint about how I’m sick literally all the time now that I have a kid. It’s really kind of stunning: I went more than a decade without vomiting from being sick from disease (as opposed to sick from liquor) and now, twice in the last six months, I’ve worshipped before the porcelain altar.

As I mentioned on the podcast, this called to mind the fact that Seinfeld basically did a whole episode about how Jerry had failed to get sick for years and years before the black and white cookie laid him low. And I was like “man, me too, that was the life.” Basically, all of Seinfeld is a paean to single person privilege. The problems Jerry and his friends have are so fantastic: what time should we meet for dinner, what movie should we go see, what one-bedroom apartment should we live in, where should we dispose of our muffins, how should I get a cadillac to my parents, etc etc. It makes me sick (with longing for the good old days) (and also vomit).

Anyway. Listen to the podcast. Or don’t, whatever. I’m not the boss of you.

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His Excellency Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith

c/o Imperial Palace, Coruscant, and via hyperwave facsimile.

Greetings and Salutations Lord Vader!

I write on behalf of Mr. Biff Diddle, who wishes to provide his insight as an Amicus Curiae in the pending matter of Galactic Empire v. Solo, currently before you in your capacity as Imperial Legate and commanding officer of the Super Star Destroyer Executor. Mr. Diddle has asked me to provide you with his recommendation that the Defendant pirate Han Solo be sentenced to the highest measure allowed by Imperial law, which is to say, that Captain Solo be terminated by hanging.

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His Excellency Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith

c/o Imperial Palace, Coruscant, and via hyperwave facsimile.

Greetings and Salutations Lord Vader!

I write on behalf of Mr. Biff Diddle, who wishes to provide his insight as an Amicus Curiae in the pending matter of Galactic Empire v. Solo, currently before you in your capacity as Imperial Legate and commanding officer of the Super Star Destroyer Executor. Mr. Diddle has asked me to provide you with his recommendation that the Defendant pirate Han Solo be sentenced to the highest measure allowed by Imperial law, which is to say, that Captain Solo be terminated by hanging.

STATEMENT OF INTEREST

Your Amicus Biff Diddle is Public Editor for The Washington Free Beacon, an award-winning journal of Critical Theory and Cultural Dialectic. Mr. Diddle’s interest in this matter stems from the many, many injuries and outrages that he personally has suffered through the years as a result of Solo’s association with Ewoks, the traitorous Wookiee Chewbacca, and similar aesthetic and philosophical abominations.

UNDISPUTED FACTS

Though the record against Solo is well-developed, Mr. Diddle feels that a discussion of Solo’s past history as an incorrigible criminal, terrorist, and traitor to his Emperor must be considered before passing sentence. By his own admission, Solo is presently employed as a captain in the rebellion against the Empire. Before joining the rebellion, Solo was employed as a smuggler and self-confessed “scoundrel” on behalf of the Hutt Cartel of the Outer Rim on Tatooine. Solo is believed to have won his ship, the Millennium Falcon, in an illegal high stakes gambling match on that planet.

Before beginning his criminal career, Solo was at some point commissioned as an officer in the Imperial Star Fleet, where he apparently served with some level of distinction. As such, Solo is well aware of the Imperial and Republic Laws of War, as well as the Galactic Navigation Acts as they pertain to smuggling and piracy. Solo’s post-discharge career as a high space pirate is studded with a plethora of offenses, from the murder of the Rodian bounty hunter “Greedo” at the Mos Eisley spaceport cantina, to resisting arrest, harboring of fugitives, and the theft of imperial property in connection with his unlawful escape from Mos Eisley. Solo was captured by Governor Tarkin’s refugee relief task force following the destruction of Alderaan, at which point he aided the wanted terrorist Leia Organa in her escape. He is believed to have associated with members of the outlawed Jedi terror group, including the notorious Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker. His ship was spotted among those attacking the “Defense Star” peace station in the infamous rebel sneak attack at Yavin 4.

In short, even before his most recent arrest Solo had proven himself to be one of the Galaxy’s most incorrigible and unrepentant felons, well deserving of the ultimate punishment provided by Imperial law.

PRESENT CHARGES AGAINST SOLO

As Your Excellency is aware, Solo stands charged with four acts of space piracy in connection with the recent terror suppression above the planet Hoth. He is also charged with resisting arrest, assault against the officers and crew of the ISS Avenger, and recklessly causing the death of its commanding officer Captain Needa. Finally, Solo is also charged with assault with a deadly weapon against your person, as well as the bounty hunter Boba Fett and Lando Calrissian, the administrator of the Bespin gas mining colony, who reported Solo’s fugitive presence to the Imperial Star Fleet following an unauthorized attempt to land there.

The charges against Solo are indeed grave. They would merit a sentence of termination in any civilian admiralty court, should a jury find guilt. However, Solo’s crimes in the present case were committed in the Outer Rim systems, which have been designated a war zone by His Imperial Highness for the duration of the present emergency. Therefore, as the senior commanding officer present, Your Excellency is permitted to pass judgment upon Solo for his crimes.

Solo’s guilt for these offenses is beyond question. His ship’s transponder signals were recorded by the onboard navigation systems of each of the four TIE fighters lost in the asteroid field surrounding the Hoth system, as well as by the Star Destroyer Avenger before Solo blasted off for the Bespin system. As captain and master of the Millennium Falcon, Solo is tasked with responsibility for the acts of his crew, so it will do him no good to plead that the attacks upon our fighters and ships were committed by his Wookiee underling. In addition, over twenty officers and men of your personal guard have testified to the assaults committed against Your Excellency, Fett, and Calrissian in the Bespin conference center refreshment room. The only legitimate question before you is the appropriate sentence.

SOLO MUST BE SENTENCED TO TERMINATION BY HANGING FOR HIS CRIMES

The ultimate penalty is warranted by two considerations: First, Solo’s flight from arrest and subsequent attacks upon his lawful imperial captors were committed while acting as a non-uniformed combatant on behalf of the terrorist rebellion against the Empire; second, Solo’s guilt for the offense of piracy upon the high spacelanes warrants a sentence of termination in and of itself. The traditional and lawful penalty for piracy, of course, is termination by hanging.

As is well known, the laws of the Empire are the Emperor’s gift to his subjects. To the extent not modified by Imperial Decree, those laws are based upon the laws and precedents of the former fallen Galactic Republic. In the former Republic, and indeed through ancient memory dating back to lost Terra itself, the act of rebellion against a lawful sovereign has been punishable by termination. In Solo’s case, that rebellion was committed by attacking while occupying an unmarked, civilian ship, the Millennium Falcon, which through special modifications by Solo has been converted into an unmarked vessel of war. As Solo himself has boasted, the Millennium Falcon is reportedly fast enough that it can travel the notorious “Kessel Run” in less than twelve parsecs. No ordinary civilian ship can approach such speeds.

The Falcon is therefore an unmarked vessel of war, and its captain and crew are to be treated as non-uniformed combatants.

As a combatant out of uniform (not to mention a rebel against his Emperor), Solo is not entitled to prisoner-of-war status. He is merely a terrorist and a rebel. Precedent dating back to the oldest case of which we have record, the “Luanda case” of lost Terra, 1976 C.E., confirms that Solo’s status as a uniformless mercenary warrants his termination.

Moreover, Solo is a notorious buccaneer and pirate. In the present matter, Solo is charged with the destruction of four Imperial TIE Fighters and the attempted hijacking and destruction of the Star Destroyer Avenger, whose captain Needa bravely gave his life to save his ship and crew from capture. Piracy upon the spaceways, and even before the invention of the hyperdrive, upon the high seas, has traditionally been punished through termination by hanging. This is confirmed not just by Imperial law, but by ancient precedent dating back to The Piracy Act of 1837 (7 Will 4 & 1 Vict c 88), in which the Empress Victoria of Terra declared that “ye pirasy with ye violense” must be punished through termination.

Mr. Diddle understands that Your Excellency is considering a lesser punishment for Solo, namely imprisonment through carbonite freezing and delivery to Jabba the Hutt in connection with the payment of smuggling debts. Mr. Diddle implores you not to send the wrong message to future pirates and rebel scum: that the Empire takes offenses against its soldiers and ships so leniently. Under carbonite freezing, Captain Solo should be quite well protected, if he survives the freezing process. This would be a mere “slap on the wrist,” a trivial punishment indeed in light of the grave offenses with which Solo is charged.

We strongly urge Your Excellency to sentence Solo to the only penalty appropriate in this matter, namely termination by hanging, for the protection of the Empire and its children.

With highest regards,

Patrick Nonwite, Imperial Bar of Coruscant

Attorney for Biff Diddle, Amicus Curiae.

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In the New York Times’ critics’ list of the best films of the year, there’s this little riff from A.O. Scott:

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In the New York Times‘ critics’ list of the best films of the year, there’s this little riff from A.O. Scott:

Last spring, with #OscarsSoWhite in the rearview mirror and Donald J. Trump’s victory on the as-yet-unglimpsed horizon, I reviewed Jeremy Saulnier’s “Green Room.” It struck me at the time as a smart, brutal, slightly contrived thriller about members of a rock band battling a gang of white-supremacist punks in the Northwest. In retrospect, though, it seems possible that this scrappy little indie (which just missed making the list below) was something more than a bit of nasty fun. Maybe it was a harbinger, an unheeded political signal amid the pop-cultural noise, a pre-emptive allegory of battles to come.

Am I reading too much into it now, or was I not paying close enough attention then?

Emphasis mine. I can’t imagine I was the only critic to mention this at the time, but I noted what seemed like a relatively clear parallel in my review:

Green Room comes along at an interesting cultural moment, given the rise of the so-called “alt right”—the meme-proficient cohort of white supremacists that has flocked to Donald Trump—and the increase in rural heroin consumption.

So it seems to me the answer is relatively obvious: YOU WERE NOT PAYING CLOSE ENOUGH ATTENTION THEN.

Then again, maybe it isn’t so obvious. Maybe it was just because liberals were deep in their own civil war, but one of the great frustrations felt by conservative opponents of Trump in the primaries was that very few people really seemed to care that much about the barrage of anti-Semitic nonsense coming from Trump-backing goons until he was the Republican nominee. Only then did much of the mainstream press seem to realize that the alt right was, you know, kind of gross. And then! Then we were treated to ridiculous pieces asking “why … the Jewish right looked away?” when it came to the alt right. As if conservatives, particularly conservative Jews, hadn’t been fighting against the alt right for months and months, to no avail. As if their Twitter mentions hadn’t been turned to racist trash during most of the primary.

Bleh. Whatever. You’re all paying attention now, I bet.

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Reports indicate that Donald Trump has made another magnificent decision and will nominate Andy Puzder to be his labor secretary.

I do not know anything about Puzder’s thoughts on labor—I assume he thinks a $15 minimum wage is stupid, which is good enough for me. But I have closely analyzed his marketing strategy at Carl’s Jr. and let me tell you, the man knows a thing or two about business.

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Reports indicate that Donald Trump has made another magnificent decision and will nominate Andy Puzder to be his labor secretary.

I do not know anything about Puzder’s thoughts on labor—I assume he thinks a $15 minimum wage is stupid, which is good enough for me. But I have closely analyzed his marketing strategy at Carl’s Jr. and let me tell you, the man knows a thing or two about business.

“I like beautiful women eating burgers in bikinis,” he has said. “I think it’s very American.”

We do too, Mr. Puzder. Here are the top ten reasons why this is a good choice by the president elect, ranked:

10. Jim Beam Bourbon Burger ad, with Heidi Klum as Mrs. Robinson

9. Thickburger El Diablo ad, with Sara Sampaio

8. Charbroiled Atlantic Cod Fish Sandwich ad, with Nina Agdal

7. The Most American Thickburger ad, with Samantha Hoopes

6. Texas BBQ Thick Burger ad, with Hannah Ferguson

Honorable Mention: Great Buns Yoga Pants ad

5. The Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger ad, with Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef

4. The Bacon 3-Way ad (Director’s Cut)

3. The Tex Mex Bacon Thickburger ad

(Note: You can find a more detailed GIF analysis of the above ad here)

2. Memphis BBQ Burger ad, with Emily Ratajkowski

1. Kate Upton’s ad for the Southwest Patty Melt

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This week’s episode of the Substandard is probably the best episode of the Substandard ever. In it, JVL and Victorino and I use the news peg of Rogue One to spend 20 minutes talking about old Star Wars toys and 30 minutes talking about why the Empire in Star Wars is actually Good. Give it a listen! Subscribe here!

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This week’s episode of the Substandard is probably the best episode of the Substandard ever. In it, JVL and Victorino and I use the news peg of Rogue One to spend 20 minutes talking about old Star Wars toys and 30 minutes talking about why the Empire in Star Wars is actually Good. Give it a listen! Subscribe here!

As I mentioned in the podcast, I’m including a compendium of sorts here: A one-stop-shop for pro-Empire, anti-Rebellion pieces. Here we go:

• “The Case for the Empire.” The essay that started it all!
• “The destruction of Alderaan was completely justified.” Featuring the Tarkin Doctrine, the Jedi States of the Alderaan System (JSAS), and more.
• “Are Droids Slaves?” We failed to mention this in the podcast, but it’s an important piece about the immorality of the Rebellion.
• “9 Reasons the Jedi Are the Bad Guys in Star Wars.” They really are the worst.
• “The Pastiest Rebellion of All Time.” People say the Empire is modeled on Nazi Germany; what this piece presupposes is, actually the Rebellion literally is.
• “The Radicalization of Luke Skywalker: A Jedi’s Path to Jihad.” You know who else lived in caves and taught young men to destroy structures erected by decadent enemies? Important and thought-provoking piece by Twitter’s Comfortably Smug.
• “The Darth Side.” A humanizing look at Anakin Skywalker and the true appeal of the ways of the Sith.
• “Jar Jar Binks: Secret Sith.” Most fan theories are bad but this one seems about right.
• “The Ewok Holocaust.” Blowing up the Death Star II would almost certainly have wiped out the Ewoks. Just saying, is all.

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The Washington Area Film Critics Association, which was foolish enough to induct me into its ranks years ago, released its nominees for its annual year-end awards yesterday; winners will be announced tomorrow. In the interest of transparency,* I figured I’d share my nominees and some thoughts on the choices with y’all. (I’ll update this post Monday morning when the winners are announced.)

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The Washington Area Film Critics Association, which was foolish enough to induct me into its ranks years ago, released its nominees for its annual year-end awards yesterday; winners will be announced tomorrow. In the interest of transparency,* I figured I’d share my nominees and some thoughts on the choices with y’all. (I’ll update this post Monday morning when the winners are announced.)

Update: Here are the winners. Big morning for La La Land. Can’t say I’m surprised, even if I didn’t think it’s one of the top five films of the year; it’s a crowd-pleaser. The winner I’m most disappointed in is Natalie Portman taking best actress for Jackie. She overacts in a sub-HBO docudrama. Whoopity do. End Update.

The way it works is that each critic submits a list with up to five nominees in each category. Choices are weighted, which is to say that your top choice gets more points than the last choice. Just FYI: Silence, Patriots Day, and Rogue One did not screen for us, hence their absence from my ballot.

OK, here’s what I nominated in every category:

Best Film

• Arrival
• Hell or High Water
• Hail, Caesar!
• Love & Friendship
• Weiner

Arrival and Hell or High Water are the two best films I’ve seen this year, and it’s not particularly close. That being said, I really liked Hail, Caesar! and Love & Friendship as well; you’ll see them pop up quite a bit in my ballot. That they were both entirely shut out is disappointing, but not surprising. If I could redo this entry, I might put The Witch in the five-hole.

Best Director

• Denis Villeneuve (Arrival)
• David McKenzie (Hell or High Water)
• Ethan Coen, Joel Coen (Hail, Caesar!)
• Jeff Nichols (Loving)
• Whit Stillman (Love & Friendship)

Best Actor

• Joel Edgerton (Loving)
• Denzel Washington (Fences)
• Casey Affleck (Manchester by the Sea)
• Chris Pine (Hell or High Water)
• Ryan Gosling (La La Land)

Edgerton is low-key great in Loving: a bit shy, overwhelmed by the position he finds himself in. I imagine the Oscar race will come down to Denzel and Affleck, however. Gun to my head, Denzel probably ends up winning. He does a lot of actoring in Fences, you guys.

Best Actress

• Amy Adams (Arrival)
• Kate Beckinsale (Love & Friendship)
• Jessica Chastain (Miss Sloane)
• Ruth Negga (Loving)
• Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch)

Beckinsale is delightful in Love & Friendship, and the fact that she (and the film) is not getting more love from awards-givers thus far is a real travesty.

Best Supporting Actor

• Mahershala Ali (Moonlight)
• Tom Bennett (Love & Friendship)
• Ben Foster (Hell or High Water)
• Channing Tatum (Hail, Caesar!)
• John Goodman (10 Cloverfield Lane)

Ali’s to lose, and for good reason (he’s the best thing about Moonlight by a wide margin). But Tom Bennett is hilarious in Love & Friendship and really, really deserves more attention.

Best Supporting Actress

• Viola Davis (Fences)
• Naomie Harris (Moonlight)
• Scarlett Johannsson (Hail, Caesar!)
• Michelle Williams (Manchester by the Sea)
• Abbey Lee (The Neon Demon)

Davis’ to lose. I nominated Abbey Lee for the second straight year in this category (she is the blonde in Fury Road) because I think she really brings a special something to the big screen.

Best Acting Ensemble

• Fences
• Hell or High Water
• Hail, Caesar!
• Love & Friendship
• Manchester by the Sea

Best Voice Performance

• Liam Neeson (A Monster Calls)
• Zootopia (Jason Bateman)
• Art Parkinson (Kubo and the Two Strings)
• Charlize Theron (Kubo and the Two Strings)
• Albert Brooks (Finding Dory)

Best Motion Capture Performance

• Liam Neeson (A Monster Calls)

Best Youth Performance

• Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch)
• Lewis MacDougall (A Monster Calls)
• Lucas Hedges (Manchester by the Sea)
• Elle Fanning (The Neon Demon)
• Art Parkinson (Kubo and the Two Strings)

The Witch‘s somewhat controversial closing scene (in which we learn what we’re watching is actually a radicalization narrative) only really works because Taylor-Joy sells it so perfectly.

Best Adapted Screenplay

• Arrival
• Love & Friendship
• A Monster Calls
• Nocturnal Animals
• Hacksaw Ridge

Best original Screenplay

• Hell or High Water
• Hail, Caesar!
• Manchester by the Sea
• La La Land
• Kubo and the Two Strings

Best Animated Feature

• Kubo and the Two Strings
• Zootopia
• Finding Dory
• Moana
• Trolls

Best Documentary

• Weiner
• Cameraperson
• O.J. Made in America
• De Palma
• Life, Animated

Given that Anthony Weiner is directly responsible for defeating Hillary Clinton—no Weiner, no Comey Surprise; no Comey Surprise, no Trump in the White House—it would be remarkable if Weiner doesn’t get an Oscar nomination.

Best Foreign Language Film

• Elle
• The Salesman
• Toni Erdmann
• Fire at Sea
• Cameraperson

I hate this category. I don’t actually like any of these movies.

Best Production Design

• The Witch
• Love & Friendship
• Hail, Caesar!
• Arrival
• La La Land

The Witch deserves this award. It won’t win this award, but it deserves it. They recreated a 17th century Pilgrim outpost with basically no money! C’mon.

Best Cinematography

• Arrival
• Hail, Caesar!
• Hell or High Water
• La La Land
• Hacksaw Ridge

The category I most regret already. I’d drop La La Land and Hacksaw Ridge and sub in The Witch and Knight of Cups, if I could do it over again.

Best Editing

• Arrival
• Manchester by the Sea
• Hail, Caesar!
• Hacksaw Ridge
• Nocturnal Animals

Nocturnal Animals is a bit of a mess, but the opening 35 minutes or so are almost unbearably tense, and I give the editing a lot of credit for maintaining that tension.

Best Original Score

• The Neon Demon
• The Witch
• Arrival
• La La Land
• Nocturnal Animals

Pretty solid category, all in all. Considering that The Neon Demon is best understood as a two-hour music video, it’ll be a shame when La La Land wins this category. Whatever, I’m just glad Neon Demon got the nomination.

The Joe Barber Award for Best Portrayal of Washington, DC

• Loving
• Jason Bourne
• Snowden
• Miss Sloane
• Jackie

*Transparency and the need for #content, that is.

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