Wendy S.

Oh, you know, just a typical conversation with my kids...https://twitter.com/suburbmisfitmom/status/736929270371647488 …

Parenting is like realizing your kid's jersey is still in the wash 20 minutes before their game time, but like, with everything, always.

Grandmothers in your area are very concerned about the hair in your childrens' eyes.

My sons consider "it's bedtime" my first offer in the negotiation process

Friend: What are you bringing to the party? Me: DA NOISE!!! Friend: Me: Friend: So just your kids? Me: Yeah... :(

Me: *sees 3 Hotwheels and a crayon in the toilet* OMG. What the hell did they eat...

My baby is digging food out from the pocket of her bib and under her butt cheeks, and she's definitely my daughter.

Me: WHO POOPED AND DIDN'T FLUSH 6yo: IT WAS ME Me: OMG WHY 6: IT'S MY DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL, I DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING Me:

With @NicoleLeighShaw @WalkingOutside @Marlebean @Vice_Queen @tchrquotes @LoveNLunchmeat @maughammom @AsgardianRosehttps://twitter.com/rcromwell4/status/736379805671641089 …

"Ugh. 'Kindergarten Graduation' is so stupid. That's not even a real thing." *goes anyway *sobs *takes 4000 pictures

Unless your fancy fingernail stickers can keep me from dropping food down the front of my shirt, I'm not interested.

A "Productive Day"... When I'm home alone: - Cooked - Cleaned - Wrote - Exercised - Ran errands When the kids are home: - No one died

Me: HELP! SPIDER! Husband: oh, that's fine, it's just a hunting spider ME: WTF DO YOU MEAN A HUNTING SPIDER THAT'S YOU HELPING ME WTFWTFWTF

[doing math word problems w/ my 6yr old] ME: if you have 6 pancakes & I eat 4 of them, what do you have? 6: don't eat my pancakes, asshole

The only way my husband believes I'm really sick is if I refuse wine.

School drop-off in Sept: Get out of car, big hug, walk them in In May: Slow car to 5mph, make kids tuck n roll, drive off blasting Beyonce

When emailing a mom about her daughter's nut allergy, check twice to make sure it doesn't accidentally say "butt allergy". I know that now.

How long do you stare at a dark spot on the floor before deciding if it's a spider or some lint? My record is four years.

Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Interviewer: "Your résumé says you have a bad memory." Me: "I said that?"

Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they shouldn't.

The pokey-bra struggle is real, you guys. Thanks for the ToTD @eclecticanimal! http://favstar.fm/users/eclecticanimal …

Congrats @maughammom! @eclecticanimal picked your tweet as Tweet of the Day: http://favstar.fm/t/734828992579162116 …

I have nothing to say

Is there any way we can get Trump to go hunting with Cheney?

I'm going to take an early nap so I have time for my nap later

I'M SORRY I CAN'T PAY ATTENTION TO YOU RIGHT NOW BUT MY BRA IS POKING ME AND I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS HOW I DIE

In the mom mafia, "sleeping with the fishes" means taking a nap on the couch while the kids watch Finding Nemo

Look for my new game show on the Food Network, where contestants try to figure out what I’ve spilled on my shirt.

If you insist on telling me about your vacation, please confine yourself to the following: 1. Cats you met 2. Choices on the dessert tray

Like a sommelier sniffing a fine wine... only it's me with my nose inside a milk jug trying to decide if it's still good.

I just tolerated the fuck out of some lactose

99 decorative pillows on the bed 99 decorative pillows take 1 down put it on the ground no that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot

[7 years ago] Me: *forgetting to water my house plant for the 24th day in a row* I think I'm ready to be a mom.

Play Date Kid: Mmm I love fresh baked cookie dough Me: Well if it's baked it's not dough, it's just a cookie PDK: Me: PDK: Me: I mean me too

ER Doc: *Applies burn dressing to my leg* What happened again? Me: I thought I felt a spider.

In case anyone was searching for a trophy wife, you better hit me up soon. I can only keep this up and together for another year or two.

IF YOU KIDS DON'T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

My sweet little daughter, in her princess pajamas, playing with her toys, cheerfully singing... "SO WHATCHA WHATCHA WHATCHA WANT?"

Cleaned under my 6yo's booster seat & found what was either a melted popsicle stain or the blood of her enemies. Hard to tell with that one.

Yes I'll argue about snack cakes in the grocery store because don't come at me with Tastykakes & expect me to think they're Ding Dongs.

I just wanted to say, I really enjoyed your performance in "tripping over nothing and looking back to see what you tripped over"

Overheard: "Bitches don't care." Uh, yuh, that's probably why they're bitches, hello

When stupid people who actually do things outnumber smart people who only talk about doing things, we are utterly fucked.

Me: Looks like you're out of medicine son 6yo: I'll call 9-1-1! *grabs phone, runs out of room Me: Nooooo!

9yo: You're mean. Me: Yep.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

Steroids, but to make sure I'm the fastest one to the break room when someone brings donuts to the office.