Kevin Keegan

I was worried when I heard of Theresa May's 12-point plan for Brexit. I'm no politician but I know how easily 12 points can go up the spout.

Stuff your Neighbours, Corrie & Enders. This is where it's really athttps://twitter.com/galactickeegan/status/820727571344224256 …

I don't understand players committing handball. I remember I kept rollocking David James at City - he did it every bloody week. Infuriating.

Andy Carroll's overhead kick against Palace was stupendous. I said to him after, "that's the most devastating strike since Southern Rail."

After Arsenal's 4-0 win I told Bob Bradley Swansea had to improve. "I don't give a damn, you schmuck," he snapped. The fans deserved better.

As the shuttle lifted off, I kept my eyes on Barrington12 until the last. The vast emptiness of space lay ahead. A new chapter had begun.

Deep down, I felt sick. I knew I was burning more bridges than Paul Ince when he became convinced that a troll was trying to kidnap him.

“Howard,” I said, as I climbed into the cockpit. “Look after my academy boys. They… won’t understand.” He walked away. Poor. But a fair cop.

“The lady’s not for turning,” I added. “I know I’m a bloke, but you get the point.” (I forget whose quote that was. Lorraine Kelly I think.)

“PLEASE, KEVIN KEEGAN,” my robot assistant begged me. “DON’T GO. DON’T LEAVE BARRINGTON12 ALONE.” “Sorry, son,” I said. “My mind’s made up.”

“If you go through with this,” Howard said, “it’ll be like when you got bumped off that allotment waiting list. You’ll have lost the plot.”

To my annoyance, Howard Webb and Barrington12 were waiting for me – a final attempt to dissuade me from joining the L’zuhl. I pushed past.

I’d booked a ship saying that I was attending Graeme Le Saux’s art exhibition, “Modernity & Arable Farming” so that no-one would follow me.

Gathering my treasured possessions, including my photo of the 2003 Man City youth team signed by Ronan Keating, I went to the shuttle bay.

I was sickened by the West Ham kid, Payet, refusing to play. I rang his dad and said, “Gus, you’ve got to give that lad a kick up the arse.”

@GalacticKeegan no one cares, L’zuhl scum…

I said to Claude Puel, "if you win this tie and make it to the final, we should call you Liver-Puel!" "Why?" he asked. I said I had to go.

Southampton v Liverpool is a great fixture - the Kevin Keegan Derby, according to some. Well, according to me. And even I forget sometimes.