Rob Kutner

@ApocalypseHow

Rob Kutner. Conan/Daily Show writer. Hear my new scripted podcast RUNAWAY BRAINS, starring Weird Al, Mayim Bialik, Adam Pally & more!

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ಮೇ 2008 ಸಮಯದಲ್ಲಿ ಸೇರಿದ್ದಾರೆ

@ApocalypseHow ತಡೆಹಿಡಿಯಲಾಗಿದೆ

ನೀವು ಖಚಿತವಾಗಿಯೂ ಈ ಟ್ವೀಟ್‌ಗಳನ್ನು ನೋಡಲು ಬಯಸುವಿರಾ? ಟ್ವೀಟ್‌ಗಳನ್ನು ನೋಡುವುದು @ApocalypseHow ಅವರನ್ನು ತಡೆತೆರವುಗೊಳಿಸುವುದಿಲ್ಲ.

  1. The real tragedy is that Harambe the gorilla would have made an ideal running mate for Donald Trump.

  2. Memorial Day - When America honors the sacrifice made by thousands of mattress stores off their bottom line.

  3. Which wine pairs best with a light cirrhosis?

  4. Nothing proves how non-racist you are like prefacing with, "This is going to sound racist, but..."

  5. I wish "The People v OJ" was in front of a live audience so there'd be applause and "WHOO"s the first time we see the Bronco, glove, etc.

  6. Can I get a snooze bar that lets me sleep another 9 hours?

  7. I drive a hybrid car, which only entitles me to drive like an asshole half the time.

  8. BREAKING: Captain America to Tour With Nickelback

  9. Working on a time machine to go back and make Trump's dad hug him and not leave him money.

  10. I'm thinking of going to a Catholic priest to confess "lying to my calorie-counting app."

  11. I like my cocktails with crushed ice -- emotionally crushed

  12. How many people have literally died waiting for the guy to finish reading off their prescription med's side effects?

  13. You have to hear his Gay Jewish Lizard ringtone. It alone should get a Grammy.

  14. Bill Cosby to go on trial, after numerous legal hurdles. Prosecutors said they just never took “no” for an answer.

  15. I just got an email from LinkedIn urging me to "Congratulate Captain America on his new job!"

  16. Rob Kutner ಹಿಂಬಾಲಿಸಿದ್ದಾರೆ , ಮತ್ತು
    • @itsthebulletin

      Fake, funny news about you. Yes, you.

    • @TheIBang

      Finding comedy in everything. And everything in comedy.

  17. NEW RUNAWAY BRAINS on ! Ken & Watson take on sleazebag & Gay Jewish Lizard !

  18. Not sure which is more offensive: The other middle-aged dudes in the gym locker room talking about their sex lives, or diet plans.

  19. Laura Linney starring in the new Ninja Turtles movie officially negates any cre she got for introducing Downton Abbey.

  20. STUDY: You can get pregnant from dry-humping. Which explains why my leg is expecting puppies.

  21. Check it out! The man's got a voice for TV.

  22. I just started this amazing new diet plan called "STOP FUCKING SNACKING AT WORK."

  23. By 2050, “superviruses” could kill 10 million people a year. No word yet which cruise ship lines they’ll appear on.

  24. "We deliver easy-to-follow recipes and farm-fresh ingredients to you... 3 weeks late. We're BROWN APRON."

  25. #1 movie at the box office was "Angry Birds.” Millions went to see it but never looked up at the screen.

  26. A 3-D printer, except it gets RID of crap.

  27. Next X-Men movie will take place in the 1990s. However, Wolverine’s mutton chops will continue to take place in the 1890s.

  28. "FREE BEERS FOR KIDS TUESDAYS"

  29. Miley REALLY could have used that cookbook right below.

  30. PITCH: Foosball, except with people and no poles.

  31. All of California in one clothing item:

  32. Guys, the Democratic race just blew WIDE open:

  33. What if the song "What is Love?" is actually about someone getting weirdly bullied for trying to learn the rules of tennis?

  34. If it's any consolation, I've always found Oklahoma a terrible place to get an abortion.

  35. "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

  36. The Avengers' #1 enemy is HYDRA. #2: Glass

  37. MASTERCHEF JR, only with taxes.

  38. I wonder if anti-death penalty activists might change their mind if Death Row included a mandatory "high-five line."

  39. PITCH: "Brokeback Mountain" reboot, but with Captain America and Winter Soldier, on that island.

  40. Let blow your mind about aliens, the moon & more in RUNAWAY BRAINS: +1mo of free (code BRAINS)

  41. New RUNAWAY BRAINS: Aliens! Conspiracies! as a stoned Freemason! (+1mo of free [code BRAINS])

  42. Godwin's Second Law: "As an internet discussion of Hitler grows longer, a comparison to Donald Trump will inevitably be made."

  43. NRA Calls on Aerosmith To Also Let Janie's Daddy Have A Gun.

  44. How great could your childhood have been, if it can be ruined by a movie about zapping ghosts?

  45. Evidently the standard serving size for macaroni and cheese is "So Much You End Up Praying for Death's Sweet Release."

  46. Her: So, I should tell you, I have kids. Him: I'm totally down with that. Her: ...how about dragons?

  47. No phrase gets me more confused about my gender identity than "skirt steak."

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