Juda Parker
9:23 AM (22 hours ago)

to me
Hi There,

I've been trying to get in touch with somebody in regards to learning about your site's advertising strategy – specifically how you're set up monetizing your site.

My name is Juda and I work for Sovrn Holdings, which is a premium ad exchange that is the 3rd largest in the US, 4th in the world.

I'd love to talk about how you're currently optimizing your ad space and what Sovrn can provide to scale it. Who is the correct person to contact regarding this opportunity?

Best,

Juda Parker

Ken At Popehat
9:28 AM (22 hours ago)

to Juda
Dear Mr. Parker,

Thank you for your inquiry. We have been officing here attempting to brainstorm a monetizing strategy without achieving optimization. We could be optimizing better. We also are interested in adding scales or whatever.

Would we, in working with Sovrn, be able to ask for strategy paradigm initiatives that would direct particular types of advertising to monetize our scaling? We have some specific ideas and needs.

Very truly yours,

Ken

Hey Ken,

Thanks for reaching back out!

Absolutely, our Marketing department has set up multiple resources for publishers like yourself to access and ask strategy initiatives from our experts in the industry on our Sovrn hub: https://www.sovrn.com/hub/

My role as a publisher advocate is to make sure that I closely work with my clients to ensure that we maximizing account optimization and exploring potential growth opportunities.

I would love to schedule a quick call with you to get a better understanding of your current setup and demonstrate how the use of a PA can help you towards your revenue goals.

Would you be available to talk sometime tomorrow?

Please let me know your availability and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Best,

Juda Parker

Ken At Popehat
7:49 AM (0 minutes ago)

to Juda
Dear Juda,

Thank you for your response!

My role as a blogger advocate is preparing the public for peril.

When I say peril, Juda, I am not talking about entertainment. Modern America confuses peril and amusement. Hence we have popular television programs portraying zombies as suspiciously attractive and employable and entire series of movies suggesting that spider fetishists are "normal" and even heroic as opposed to vulgar and prone to wearing inappropriately tight clothing that distractingly emphasizes their genital region.

I speak of ponies, Juda. Ponies.

Let me pause a moment to allow you to regain your composure. I'm not a monster, Juda.

Yes, we need to monetize. Yes, we need to raise our strategy's initiative to at least +2 so we are not caught flat-footed and left standing around in the surprise round like a drugged stoat. (Yes, stoats stand. Watch a YouTube video, for Christ's sake.) Yes, we need to optimize our account growth potential revenues.

We need to do these things against the ponies, Juda. Not for them. Against them. Against them, to the last of us, to our final breath, though it may cost us everything we hold dear and impact our credit ratings.

Juda, I need you to frame a strategy for us to make money telling people, in an engaging, eye-catching, non-threatening way, that if they do not listen to us right now then ponies will be dancing in their children's precious bodily fluids and viscera in a trice, like those awful people in the fountain at the start of the show where Matthew Perry gradually gained two hundred pounds and went mad.

Ponies spell our doom. Ponies never misspell it. Ponies are the cute, non-threateningly-ethnic, but somehow vaguely unsettling cherubic spelling-bee-winners who never falter, Juda, and the word they are spelling is apocalypse. We need to tell the people. All of them, even Belgians. We need to tell them, Juda, and we need to make money telling them so we can tell more of them, possibly with pop-up advertisements and auto-play videos that are very difficult to close because it is human nature to turn your eyes away from a weeping weal upon our collective soul if you possibly can without clicking madly for ten minutes and shouting obscene gerunds. I'm not talking about the band now because I would watch weeping weals upon them all day, obviously. In fact maybe that can be part of our advertising. "Ponies will kill your grandchildren. And it will be horrible, not like watching Collective Soul be trampled to death, like this. In fact quite the opposite. Do not conflate the two." That's a little wordy but I'm not in advertising, Juda, you are, and I rely upon your skills for the precise nomenclature.

I am most certainly not adverse to optimized monetization of strategic revenue initiatives, Juda, so if you can work this so we both fund our Pony Warning System and make some spending money, that would be most welcome. I have been investigating whether to buy one of those Amazon talking discs that you can yell at but am presently impecunious.

I remain, very faithfully yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Hello,

My name is Jason Parks, and I write for Adoption By Gentle Care, an adoption agency in Columbus, Ohio. I reached out to Popehat recently, but I haven't heard back, so I wanted to follow up with you.

I’m writing because I wanted to talk to you about contributing to your site. I’m sure you’re aware that your readers really like it when you talk about adoption. I’m pretty sure your readers will appreciate what I have to say, and my audience will flock to your site as well.

If that doesn’t work for you, no worries. I’m also working on other articles related to adoption and the adoption process.

Do any/all of those sound appealing to you? Let me know what you think works best, and then we can hammer out the other details. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks,

Jason Parks
MajestyDiamonds.com [emphasis added]

Dear Jason,

Thank you very much for your inquiry. We at Popehat are, indeed, interested in adoption issues, and recently our interests have become more, shall we say, focused.

Would we be able to request an article on a specific facet of adoption — a horse of a different color than the standard article, shall we say? Our needs are specific.

Very truly yours,

Ken
www.popehat.com

Ken,

That would be fine with us. What type of article would you be looking for?

Jason
AdoptionByGentleCare.com [emphasis added]

Dear Jason,

I am thrilled to hear it!

We at Popehat would like to see an article with muscular advocacy for a federal law banning adoption of ponies.

Americans think they have legitimate reasons to adopt ponies, Jason. Allow me to enumerate them: home defense; elimination of skunks, badgers, raccoon, gerbils, and other small pests; establishing swift dominance of local holiday parades; deterring neighborhood children from sneaking into the back yard and fondling Greek statuary suggestively; companionship for disfavored relatives; and tax purposes.

This is foolishness. Ponies sow turmoil and confusion, Jason. They are sent forth to take peace from the earth so that we should kill one another, and failing that, so that the ponies will kill us, possibly but not necessarily using our own high-end kitchen appliances. Americans who invite ponies into their homes will see their children's blood rain upon their Berber den carpets and cast-aside issues of New Yorker, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs when she is shaken by a mighty wind or a strong fat kid.

I am normally a libertarian, Jason, and believe in market solutions to national problems. But here the market has failed. I'm not just talking about the local market on the corner near the gas station that refuses to carry Diet Rite and has frankly totalitarian viewpoints regarding pants. I'm talking about the national market, the great unconscious 99-Cent-Store of the American soul, Jason. That market has not defied ponies. That market has put ponies on special, and has displayed them prominently on the checkout rack next to the gum of our besieged humanity and our weighty consciences in the form of magazine stories about Brad Pitt killing a Girl Scout with his bare hands.

Ponies make us forget, Jason. They make us forget our children. They make us forget our responsibilities. They make us forget our national honor. They make us forget whether our scam is using a diamond store or an adoption agency as a front. They make us forget ourselves.

Will you help us remember, Jason? Will you pen the savage, inexorable cry for the heart of America? Will you stand against the Pony Menace before they take away everything we have?

I remain very truly yours,

Ken

Hello,

My name is Meggie. I am a writer and I have contributed to various blogs. I wanted to talk to you about contributing an article on your blog.

I’ve been working on a couple different articles that I think your audience would find enlightening. I’m curious to know which one you think might be a better fit:
Neighbor Lawsuits For Nuisance And The Fear Of Future Injury
California Real Estate Law: The Perpetual Lease

Whichever one you pick, I can have completed and ready to go in a timely fashion. Feel free to shoot me an email about either of these (or another topic altogether) and we can get the ball rolling.

Thanks for your time,

Sincerely,
Meggie Haneckow
Gtalk : meggie.haneckow

Hello,

This is a friendly follow up message in regards to my last email.

I have some good article's those will be best for your blog.

Let me know if i can send you for review.

Thanks
Meggie

My dear Ms. Haneckow,

I apologize for not responding to your previous email. I was fully engaged fortifying the southern portion of my property against certain threats raised by an eight-year-old neighbor's "birthday party."

Your inquiry intrigues me, and comes at an ideal time. Land use — and the limitations thereon imposed by civilized and prudent Americans — is a topic of increasing interest to our readers. The one about nuisance lawsuits particularly appeals — though the issues that concern me are, I fear, not adequately captured by such a gentle term.

Would it be possible to discuss a slight modification of focus — a sharpening, if you will — of the proposed article?

Very truly yours,

Ken White
www.popehat.com

Hi Ken

Thanks for the email.

I am happy that you have suggest your own topic.

I will get an article written on Land use — and the limitations thereon imposed by civilized and prudent Americans.. and I will share it with you once I complete it.

Please allow me 2-3 days for the same. Hope you don;t mind. :)

Thanks

Dear Meggie:

Wait! Stop! We haven't yet discussed the specifics!

I spoke only in the general, Meggie, to see if you might be open to exploring specifics — to see if you dared trod softly where rank peril capers.

Meggie, can you write about how land use jurisprudence can be employed to stand against the Pony Menace?

To date our feeble, milky courts have failed me, Meggie. When I come to them asking that they issue writs prohibiting the presence of ponies in our community, they scoff and demand that I produce "evidence." When I produce it — in heaps, in great drifts of paper, in reams, Meggie — the judges step closer to their bailiffs and say that I have not produced evidence of the nuisance caused by the specific pony I am complaining about.

This suicidal punctiliousness will spell our doom, Meggie. Specific evidence? Ludicrous! If I proposed to place a loaded handgun into the hands of a sweet young child, would you hem and haw and say "well, that particular handgun has not been proven to be dangerous." NO! You would snatch the handgun away and hustle the child off to some safe linen closet or attic space. Read Marcus Aurelius, Meggie. "This thing, what is it in itself, in its own constitution? What is its substance and material? And what its causal nature? And what is it doing in the world?" Ponies are in this world to rend, Meggie. They are in themselves death, and with them comes the substance and material of misery, and suffering, and hoofprints on the carpet.

So: your guest post, should you wish to write it, must address how we can establish binding precedent that ponies are an inherent nuisance, a self-evident dangerous condition that should not be permitted in any locale zoned for residential or light commercial use. Let them have the bleak high places and the grim deserts and the remote fastnesses. I suppose that a measure of patriotism would permit our brave military forces to continue their attempts to weaponize ponies, but let such efforts continue in forsaken bases like Area 51 and Baltimore.

Moreover, I must insist that your article address how just and proper prohibition on ponies may be expanded to cover what I term pony program related activities. Would we tolerate a television program that taught our children that it is a "hoot" or a "gas" to turn on the stove and press their pink little hands firmly upon the burner? No we would not. Not even on basic cable. So — with the menace of ponies a given, an acknowledged prime mover of woe — how do we permit their continued glorification? There are shows that celebrate ponies and portray them as trustworthy, entertaining, and sympathetic, Meggie. No, I was shocked as well. And there are pony toys. Toys, Meggie. Now, I could see the utility of a pony toy that abruptly snaps tiny jagged teeth onto the fingers of unwary children. Toys should teach a lesson, like that Operation game and lawn darts. But the only lesson these toys teach is to warmly embrace the utter destruction of our culture. What kind of toy is that? Would we allow the manufacture of a whimsical silky-haired Mr. My-The-Fluids-In-Jugs-Under-The-Sink-Taste-Delicious? Would we employ a notorious rapist to soothe our children with sweets? No. Ridiculous. Land use law must change, Meggie. It must change to acknowledge not just the menace of ponies, but the menace of the Pony Fifth Columnists and all of their accoutrements.

So. This is grim, I know. It is not the happy, carefree piece on land use regulation that you hoped to pen. Are you equal to it, Meggie? Are you the one to write the Anti-Pony Land-Use Modification Court-Instructions Despite Various Restraining Orders manifesto?

God go with you.

Ken
www.popehat.com

From: gemma@arialblack
Re: Fresh content for Popehat

Hi Ken

My name is Gemma and I work primarily as a freelance writer, I'm writing to you because I thought you might be interested in a contributed article for popehat.com?

Previous to starting my career as a freelancer I worked for many years in business and finance. When I became a mother, I decided to turn to writing to make a living and now pen articles on as many different topics as I can – from news and current affairs through to pieces on money matters.

I'd love to know if you'd be interested in a piece from me. This would come to you free of charge, and all I'd ask in return is that I'd be allowed to mention a partner as a resource within the text. If you're interested in this I'd love to hear back from you with ideas for topics I could write on. Otherwise I leave you with my best wishes

Kind regards
Gemma

Dear Gemma:

Thank you for your correspondence?

We at Popehat might well be interested in an article. Specifically we'd be interested in an article about certain security issues. If you think that your background qualifies you to write about security issues — about certain threats to our children, that you and I as parents must consider to do our jobs — I can elaborate.

Of course it's fine to mention your partner. We at Popehat unreservedly support marriage equality and are in favor of normalizing all relationships by mentioning them in writing.

Thanks,

Ken at Popehat

Hi Ken

I would certainly be interested in hearing your ideas and would be more than willing to put something together on what you suggest. Please do let me know what you had in mind

Kind regards
Gemma

Dear Gemma:

What I have in mind is nothing less than a comprehensive treatment of the greatest menace facing our race: ponies.

By race I mean the human race, of course. I'm not a racialist. Ponies are a threat to all ethnicities. Of course, some ethnicities are better able, because of circumstance, to repel the pony threat. Which ones is a matter of considerable debate. On the one hand white Americans enjoy superior wealth, agreeable climate, and the ability to be elected to our various legislatures without any apparent qualifications whatsoever. Arguably this makes us more equipped to deal with ponies through expensive security systems and various punitive zoning measures. Many whites would deny this truth; this phenomenon is known as Pony Privilege. But on the other hand, white Americans have become flabby, easily distracted, and generally unreliable with the sort of light antitank weapons that are most effective against closely-grouped clusters of ponies. I made my oldest child fire a LAW at a group of burros the other day — you know, for practice — and it knocked him right on his ass. What are they teaching our children in their physical education classes? The ponies aren't here to play dodgeball with us, Gemma.

I may have strayed somewhat from the point.

Yes. Back to your article. Listicles are very popular these days so to clickbait this motherfucker I'd like to see something along the lines of "The Ten Most Horrible Things That The Ponies Will Do To Your Children When That Day Comes. Number Seven Will Make You Soil Yourself And Curl Into A Stinking Ball." Then I'd like a series of ten cautionary tales, calculated to stir the complacent guts of America: Pilates classes disrupted. Facial hoofprints on children just before picture day. Great heaps of the dead making our electric vehicle charging stations almost inaccessible. HBO producers forced against their will to replace Peter Dinklage with a swaggering, abusive Shetland. Mere anarchy loosed upon the world. Blood-dimmed tides irretrievably staining my sustainable bamboo parquet meditation deck. And so on and so forth.

We need visuals that pop, Gemma, so if you and your partner could dress up as ponies, or people being hunted mercilessly by ponies past all hope and reason, that would be ideal.

I eagerly await your draft.

Very truly yours,

Ken at Popehat