If you've read any of our Bertney Stories, then you'd know our professional journalistic opinion of Britney Spears' consevatorship is that it's some fucked up shit where her dad makes a bunch of money by making a mentally handicapped woman perform like a circus animal. Fortunately, it only took the New York Times eight years to go, "Hey, maybe we should look into this," and what they found is that...

After sifting through thousands of actors, Disney has finally cast Alden Ehrenreich as Han Solo because they're printing so much money with these things, you don't even need to know who the actors are. You already bought the ticket. Who are you kidding? Page Six reports: The Han Solo spinoff is being produced and scripted by Lawrence Kasdan — who co-wrote “The Empire Strikes Back,” “Return...

"How's Joe Paterno? We're gonna bring that back? Right? How about that whole deal? We do love Penn State." - Donald Trump, 4/13/16 It's been a long time since we've covered the Jerry Sandusky nightmare that should be a goddamn stench wafting off of Penn State that never goes away even if you're holding your nose and screaming, "WE ARE!" at the top of your lungs, so let's cover the basics. Until today,...

Keanu missed the mark. Damnit. [Lainey Gossip] KFC made nail polish that smells like chicken. Thanks, Obama. [Dlisted] Arsenio Hall is suing Sinead O'Connor for being Sinead O'Connor. [TMZ] Elsa Hosk's buttcheeks did a photo shoot. [Egotastic] This never would have happened if his balls were carrying. [Newser] Alec Baldwin's got to pay for that baby-making somehow. [WWTDD] Megan Fox's career soars...

Kim Kardashian's naked selfies are never about female empowerment or promoting positive body images because they're heavily Photoshopped pics of a surgically modified soulless cow monster who knows shameless shit-merchants like me will milk the SEO right out of them. And here's Chloe Grace Moretz - whose feet you love (Shameless. Shit-merchant.) - saying almost exactly what I said but without the...

♪ We shall overco-- Fuck, I just pooped a little. Goddamn fiber gummies!" Because being alive for thousands of years has a way of distorting one's perception of reality, Madonna unleashed an Instagram rant in which she invoked the name of Nina Simone and equated her own struggles to those of the civil and gay rights movements. And what is her struggle? People don't want to look at her old butt and...

"If you ask me, Bill Murray's overrate-" "Take me. Take me now!" Thanks to the internet being a misogynistic gloryhole of dumb, and Sony cutting a god-awful trailer that even Melissa McCarthy hated, poor Kristen Wiig has been the target of some shit. So here she is in Hawaii getting some from her new boyfriend Avi Rothman, which is probably a nice break from death threats over a stupid movie about...

"How do you shut Kanye up? One of these." When Caitlyn Jenner received an ESPY Award last year, conservatives fucking freaked and started frothing at the mouth about troops, Tim Tebow, and whatever stupid shit they could squeeze into a meme. So they're really going to love seeing Caitlyn pose naked on the cover of Sports Illustrated even if its to commemorate the 40th anniversary of how she got famous...