Jason Bourne (2016)

I want to watch spy thriller. I don't expect superb plot, just classic Bourne quality will suffice.

Instead, I got served some boring, stomach churning, UN-WATCHABLE 3rd grade thrill rides...

...with pointless intentionally extra-grating violent chaos sound effect to top it off!

Seriously? This is how people win awards and next big projects these days?

The camera simply refuses to let you ignore its SICKED, EVIL PRESENCE - even during quiet restaurant latte-sipping white table cloth discussion scene! No, the camera cannot STAY STILL!

The sound has to be cranked to 11 so that old grannies can hear cars and humans in the process of being DESTROYED!

Apparently, someone reckons bad sound and bad cam work equals bad-ass!

Because the camera guy is so ruined by 90's drugs and partying and golfing his hands are shaking from premature arthritis!

Oh wait maybe Vomit Cam treatment is actually a necessity! If the cam stays steadily focused on scene subjects, we will notice how EMPTY the plot and character design is?

You know, the insecure but loud types, how they refuse to speak properly, refuse to let you look them straight in the eye and make big pointless gestures to distract you from their vacuity?

Oh it's not some little insecure guys doing this to us?

It's actually some OVER-CONFIDENT OVERPAID BIG NAME director and his VIP cam guy buddy showing of their so freaking cool over-the-top latest hottest virtual reality style run-down-everything- in-your-path destruction joy rides?

Their sons should introduce them to VR360 car racer games with 100X more smooth and steady cams?

Who let the grit-craving flabby-brain aging cowboys out of the retiree golf clubs?

Hollywood degenerating into pseudo-angry old man town stuck in (their still unresolved) teenage angst mode?

Is this how they try to relate to young people? With their mental vomit and noise plus plus?

I would just laugh this off if I didn't pay extra to watch Bourne in the premier theater!

Plush sofas and HD sound system just made the whole dizzying ugly audio visual experience all the more vomit inducing and painful!

Sheesh, Matt Damon, what have you done to your baby franchise? It's growing into a loud ugly monster and you don't care?

I'm not even that fussy. I'd pay to watch anything entertaining, just for the ride. It doesn't matter if it's Zootopia or shallow mainstream aging cowboy spy thriller like James Bond. Bourne series a few notches of plot realism integrity above James Bond series.

But now it is hijacked. a freak show of VIOLENT CAM MOVING THROUGH THE "BEST" MOST GRITTIEST DESTRUCTIONSSS!

Maybe I'm just too soft, I don't understand the fun in that sort of mental ejaculation.

Maybe spy thriller means random excuses to simulate speeding through explosive riots in European public square full of perishable human meat.

Maybe there's a positive angle in psychotically jamming the latest product placement posh car into hotel lobbies and unsuspecting CBD pedestrians.

Maybe it's cool to do ANYTHING it takes- including risking the lives of the commoners - all in the name of catching your personal villain.

LOL Matt Damon. Project Greenlighting anything these days? Feeling broke?

So heroic and worthy. It is important, I'd risk everything. I'd come out of my unnecessarily brutal and muscular and sweaty existence, back into the limelight of spy cams. Because?

I WANT ANSWERS!

I don't have to worry too much, the agency is obsessed with me, because I'm The Only One. Those spy chicks, they always risk their own lives for me, for really personal reasons. Because I'm hot, so muscled up for my age, I guess.

Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible has more humor and humanity than the latest Matt Damon. I mean Bourne. Tom's hero actually laughs at the ridiculous one man anti-hero trope, actually team-play, actually tries to do good, actually mocks the (fantasy pretending to be realism spy) genre.

Bourne? Now he tries not to run over too many dogs and pedestrians while he pulls his self-serving stunts.

How noble of the new Bourne. Noble enough I guess, in the half blind half deaf perspective of aging cowboys co-producers.

Matt Damon totally wasted his clout, esp when he charges a million a line. Surely he would notice how awful the production quality is, how pointless violence brings him down.

But never mind, it's not Damon's job to save the franchise. This genre is a glut of cliché upon cliché?

If Damon is retiring Bourne then I understand. The aim is achieved.

Tommy was a yawn and the visual rep of post-addict post-arthritis aging cowboy directors with nothing but gritty bravado to offer.

To watch it or not, depends fully on your tolerance for Vomit Cam. Not for pregnant women that's for sure. I wish I watched it at home, so I could frequently go to the fridge when the most exciting as in boring Vomit Cam sequence start.

Warning: there are 3 of those too-long bore Vomit Cam sequences.

Those undeterred, watch it for Matt's new born physique, Cassel's sharpness and the subtle lethal Vikander, the sole redeeming thing of this cowboy wasteland effort.