Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

Spoilers Ahead:

The jewel in the manure of the TNG library, yes, this is good as TNG gets and admittedly it is Citizen Kane compared to the rest. If you enjoy their Matriarchy castrated crew, you will adore the movie. Evincing the verisimilitude of antimatter powered toilets, I recommend drinking once the movie begins. Yes, the Borg are back, Starfleet, after seeing chrome dome weeping like a little schoolgirl with wet panties, has sent Captain Baldy way out of the action. Do not worry, he has changed his panties and put on a clean skirt. He is ready for action, the albino people with really bad skin are attacking earth. They are trying to stop humans from making any more of these movies; Zefrem Cochran must be stopped from his warp ship's completion. Baldy, having been Lucretius, I know, if he were alive he would be suing, I would too, shows Data how to blow them up but they run away in a flying turd ball into the past. When they get to earth, the warp ship was damaged, and Cochran keeps running away from them; I know, he must have seen their movies. I would have run away too: their films suck. On earth, we are treated to Troi doing the worst drunk ever depicted on film and the quest to chase down Cochran and get him to save the future by making that requisite warp voyage: to show us all how we may be pathetic, earth bound monkey boys now, but someday we will truly pack the gear, we be bad, just wait longer, honest.

The bad news is that metallic turd ball beamed some albino zombies, who move as fast as the seasons, onto the Enterprise. They begin converting the ship into some kind of green lighted Disco while turning more and more of the crew into people with guts. The movie, if you can call it that, is two stories at once. On earth, the crew is still chasing Cochran: trying get him to fix the ship and be in one of their movies. On the ship, the anti green Disco, a.k.a. the battle of the eunuchs is underway. Baldy puts down his dollies and returns to fight the war. They decide to go outside, I would too, and they blow up some albinos and prevent them for calling for reinforcement from Bad Skin Land. The castrated Whorf goes toe to toe with Heidi and backs down, they will abandon the ship; hey, disco isn't that bad. Meanwhile, the queen Borg has sex with Data's skin, I know, don't ask, watch for yourself: CREEP OUT. Yes, she tries getting the access codes so she can blow them all to crap: I wish I could have sent them, what's her E mail? Please, I would push the button; the ultimate act of humanistic sacrifice, I die but no more Star Trek: fair trade.

She tries to bribe Data with becoming the penultimate of all lobotomites, becoming a human being, yes, ever visited Auschwitz? Data acts like he joins her, Baldy, not on his period, saves the day with the old double switch gag that works on people who love TNG. I hope you are in to your second six pack by this point. Is this ironing your pants? I know, they like Star Trek, let them have this: they think it is Solaris. Suffice to say, if you notice the Borg move: really, really, really SLOW. They try camera tricks, oh, don't open that door! He is standing right there: BOO! Outside, on the giant dish, one of them sneaks up on one of the crew. Come on, my grandma could outrun them with her walker; even if I gave one some skin creme and a head-start. This is the essence that all critics, who had IQ's in the three digits, attacked this putative classic for: the world's slowest villains, bowel movements move faster. Look, make it realistic have them trip or fall. I love she doesn't read Melville but she knows the lessons of Moby Dick without reading it. Hey, why bother reading those stupid books, I pick them up osmotically from holding the book? He knows his audience if you know what I mean: flatter them, they have never even opened a book without people wearing capes.

Look, it is the best of the library, I grant you that. Forgive me, but that is analogous to saying Green Eggs And Ham is the best Dr. Seuss book. Yes, you are right, it is, but it is still retarded. Please, vote this to the back, I do not want to be up front with you, know what I mean?

"It's A Miracle His Brain Can Generate Enough Energy To Keep His Legs Moving." Lex Luthor