After a busy bank holiday weekend…

…I thought I’d take an hour or so out to read the paper while snuggling up in front of the fire. This is in itself was depressing as it was 2pm on the first day of summer - and ordinarily I’d like to think that I’d be outside doing far more interesting things, with more exciting people than these two wet, smelly dogs! 

Fab then to find a really interesting piece in the Mail by Linda Kelsey; all about communication between men and women - and in particular relating to sex between married couples… or lack of it!  

Unlike the old belief that past 35 and with a couple of children under their belt, girls really couldn’t be arsed with anything other than tea and EastEnders, it seems that women, and in particular married women, are far more up for it (and not really getting it) than men would ever had believed!

Now this - you would imagine - ANY man worth his salt would be delighted to hear, and so why are the women too embarrassed to admit it? And why aren’t the men pushing to find out what they can do to reignite the flame?

"Sex shouldn't be taboo!"

Throughout my adult life, to whomever I was listening to - consoling or councilling - I have endlessly banged on about the need for us all to be more open and talk more. How can another person know why you're unhappy - especially men who are a bit keen to bury their heads in the sand and hope it will all improve without them having to get involved.

I totally get that the sex subject can - even in the 21st century - be a little embarrassing. But between married couples it shouldn’t be taboo! 

What - unsurprisingly - also transpires is that the lack of communication around this subject can lead either party (but mainly the girls) to imagining themselves unattractive and therefore unwanted - which is a definite no no to taking up the cudgel (if you’ll forgive the implication) and starting the discussion!

Anyway - possibly enough said by Mummy F, who when this comes out will very likely get a call from her three irate children - and a possible ban from ever communicating with the outside world again - but it has to be said.

Nothing good was ever lost by honest discussion - albeit it often needs a little ‘tact'. Go for it - don’t sit (or lie) and fester - there’s so much fun to be had! Oh dear - I can practically hear the kids ringing already…

"Jane, I'm thinking of charging for sex…"

Hi Jane, bit of an unusual one for you I think, but I would like your values and opinion.

I live with my boyfriend who I love. The problem is that we’re very broke and I’m getting fed up with it. We are both 25 and would like to live a bit more and have some fun. His job is secure enough but he’s never going to be able to afford much.

My best friend has started working in the sex industry and says it's easy and great. She said the money is enough for her to only work when she wants to and so has lots of free time with her fiends. I am thinking that maybe I could do the same and not tell my boyfriend.

I’m sure if I told him he would hate the idea, but I’m also a bit worried that if I told him and he was okay with it then I would feel really upset and annoyed. What's your opinion on all this?

Please don’t be horrified as so many people are doing it.

Jane says...

I’m not horrified; prostitution has been going on for years and continues today even in the smartest circles.

I’m not sure what you want to know here. Are you asking if I condone this idea and think it's good? If so, I can tell you I don’t. I think that when you’re in a loving relationship the last thing you want to be doing is lying to your partner especially about having sex with random men.

I don’t know your man so don’t know whether he would be happy for you to do this for a bit of extra cash - but as you love him, I’m presuming he loves you - and for that reason I think he would be horrified!

Lecture over - I would honestly suggest you look at different ways of earning a bit more. The sex industry isn’t ideal for anyone really. It’s tacky and dangerous and whatever your friends says, working in that industry won’t make you feel good about  yourself.  The very fact you’re writing to me on here suggests you know deep down that it’s not a good idea - and you’re right!

A bit of extra cash is always desirable - but not at ANY cost!

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

I was invited to the most amazing event last week...

...to meet the the Women Innovators in Fashion, Art - and Fizz!

The talk was hosted by Telegraph womens editor Claire Cohen, and it included an opportunity to chat to some fabulous females and find out how they began their journey and what inspired them.

As I stood in the impressive Bowman Gallery, listening to (among others) Emily Young (who is widely considered to be Britain's greatest living stone sculptor) and Jane Lewis (founder and designer of luxury British label, Goat Fashion) I felt a great sense of pride for what these women had achieved - and what these days women are encouraged and expected to attain.

"Leave the serving of the champagne and canapés to the gorgeous young chaps!"

Emily spoke about how - from the ancient Italian monastery in which she lives - she is totally absorbed, peaceful and fulfilled by her work, and Jane told how she created her own brand simply because she felt there was nothing out there that she really loved or suited her needs.Both women were driven - and both had succeeded in so many ways - in terms of business, but more importantly satisfaction.

Now, I’m not that old! Older maybe than the majority of people there that night - but still not an octogenarian and still largely in touch with the world. I couldn’t help but feel though that had I suddenly dropped back 30 years, the vast majority of the women in that room that night would have been there just to serve champagne! Needless to say I felt hugely grateful that I was able to witness this shift - and be part of this new age when women were recognised and admired for their talent.

The final wonderful part of my evening was when I was approached by the very glamorous Amanda Thompson offering me a glass of fizz - which to those of you who know me will come as no surprise! Try it she said - there’s no added sugar - it’s Skinny Fizz! Yet another brilliant idea/skill - call it what you will. Yet another inspirational woman out there proving that - if inspired to do so - we can all take up the challenge to fulfil our dreams and turn them into reality - and leave the serving of the champagne and canapés to some gorgeous young chaps!

"Jane, my mother is having an affair with a married man"

I don’t care that he’s married, and at the moment I really don’t care about her.

What I DO care about is the fact my dad is in bits not knowing why she’s so weird with him and not understanding what's going on!

I have confronted her about this and all she says is that ‘it's her time now!’  She said she’s done her best by my dad, me and my brother and that it wasn’t a happy marriage so it wasn’t easy. She said everyone's entitled to a life and if she tells my dad then they may have to split and they would both be worse off financially.

I just don’t know what to say or do here and would love your ideas. I’m really scared that if I say something I may open a whole can of worms and will regret it. Thanks

Jane says...

All I think you can do is to keep on trying to get your mother to be honest with herself, and open her eyes to how destructive this will potentially be. I know you don’t care - but there’s another family to be concerned for here - your mother’s boyfriend's.

Try to find out if his wife knows; and if this relationship is going anywhere long term - or is it just a fling? If it is a fling (she will be in denial about this fact by the way) you will be able to tell. Does she say he talks about a future - or is he really trying to keep it under wraps?

Really it’s only when you understand a bit more about it can you put real pressure on her to stop it or at least come clean about it. There is a very good chance it will all faze out; and although she will be sad, that's a whole different situation, and at that point she will be well advised to talk to your father and maybe take a trip to Relate for some guidance. 

We all have a conscience and even though she’s trying to ignore hers she will be feeling it. TRY not to row with her as this will just make her more obtuse.  With some careful handling here a less painful solution can be achieved.

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

I’ve really only just learned…

…that sometimes it's lovely to have nothing on the agenda. 

I’ve run my life with a busy diary, tearing around trying to fit everything in. Whether this was to convince myself that that I’m pretty important I don’t know. Maybe (as I’m convinced for so many of us) it has been to prevent myself having too much time to think, and worry about the list of possibilities that could make life unpleasant.

The problem with this is that it becomes a habit - and a really exhausting one.  

Last weekend I went (with Bill) to the country. Knowing I hadn’t planned anything made me anxious. What if I suddenly found that there was a great yawing chasm of emptiness - how would I cope, and how would I cope with worrying about him possibly being bored? Arrrgghhhh!

A lot of this stems from having children and always having to keep them occupied or being branded as a bad mother... ‘haven’t you taken them to that exhibition?’  I ran myself ragged typing to keep up with the skinny mothers - don’t get me started on skinny, just another suffocating pressure - shoulders back, breathe…

"Don't get me started on skinny!"

So - back to the weekend. I jumped up early trying to formulate a plan to make everything gorgeous. Within minutes I was interrogating poor Bill - THE most laid back individual - about what he’d like to do. Local paper in hand I gave him a list of possibilities and demanded he tell me which ones he preferred! While the poor bloke tried, bleary eyed, I cooked breakfast - obviously firing off a the list of choices: Porridge? How exactly would you like your eggs? I was turning into some sort of malfunctioning robot on the verge of exploding!

Unusually for a man - or certainly any man that’s used to me - he took control. 'Tell you what darling,' he said, 'why don’t we  just walk along the river with Ted, then go to the garden centre and B&Q...I need to buy some nails.'

Eyes popping (unattractively I’m sure) I agreed, and followed his plan. 

We had the nicest day, and filled it with last minute random stuff that was fun and ultimately relaxing and rewarding. I was of course totally exhausted by being on near-melt down, so was unable to get too involved in all the hard garden work  and DIY stuff - but managed to sit and direct operations from a comfy spot! Lucky old Bill!

"Jane - my twins are living their lives through Made In Chelsea…"

Hello, I hope you can give me some help and insight as to how to manage my 14-year-old twin girls!

I know your daughter is on MIC, and she has become a bit of a role model for my girls. I have no problem with this, but my issue is that they no longer listen to me and what I say, preferring to take their lead from Binky - and also you.

Much as I like you on the programme I have to manage my own children my own way. Is there something you could tell me to enable me to get their attention again and maybe a little respect!

Feel pathetic writing this, but it’s all rather irritating in our house now!

Jane says...

Oh no - I’m so sorry! This must all be really annoying.

All I can tell you on here (and I suggest you advise them to read it) is that children must listen to their own parents, as they are the only ones with a vested interest in what’s best for them - and are prepared to go to the ends of the earth in pursuit of that!

You must explain that no mother gets it right all the time and that I certainly haven’t! What I have done is love my children every bit as much as you love yours and I have encouraged them to follow my lead.

People see my girl at the age she is now never really thinking about her growing up and all the usual traumas that go with that. You must explain that - yes, she is balanced and kind, but thats just how she grew up as a result of having some really annoying mother (me) on her back all the time making her do the normal ‘right’ things!

I do wish you well. J x

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

I was invited to China Tang in London last week by a bunch of really wonderful ‘out there’ women...

I have always wanted to be one of those, and on a good day, when the jeans slip on easily, I can almost convinced myself I am; but having eaten my bodyweight in sausages this weekend I am, today, much more of a realist!

I met these great girls at an event.  I was moaning about how much longer it takes me to get my show on the road these days - and how it really doesn’t look that great when I do! One of them mentioned a charity (clearly to give me the kick up the backside I deserved).

lookgoodfeelbetter.co.uk helps people with cancer feel better, by helping them to LOOK better.

"If I don’t get my eyebrows right in the morning then my face simply slips into my neck!"

We all know that one of the unpleasant side-effects of chemotherapy for instance is hair loss. I don’t know about you but if I don’t get my eyebrows right in the morning then my face simply slips into my neck! So imagine how it must be to lose your eyebrows entirely.

@lgfbuk runs free confidence boosting skincare and makeup workshops to help wome - people - with cancer.

Back in the day when I was a very uninspired housewife doing a hundred courses on flower arranging and curtain making I knew there was something out there that would really press my buttons - I just never really found it then. But when I read up on the charity and the truly amazing things they do to help, I became really fired up and anxious to be involved and help in any way that I can.

Do check them out if you know anybody that could possibly benefit - or do indeed wish to get involved yourself in some way. If you’re interested in volunteering there’s an information evening on May 17th in Dartford - call 01372 747500 or email [email protected].

I am doing a sponsored walk on June 12th at Denbies Vineyard in Dorking. I’m not a great walker - but as it’s starting at a vineyard that clearly a good sign! Naturally I shall be doing the shorter 6k one - Rome not being built in a day and all that - but I’m feeling pretty jolly and am now going to do what I’ve never done before: lean on my family for a bit of sponsorship!

"Jane, I don't want her to come on the holiday!"

My girlfriend has recently split up from her boyfriend of 3 years. She’s okay and fairly cheerful but I do feel sorry for her as it's not nice being alone, even though the break-up was her idea.

The thing is that she has asked to come on holiday with my husband and I. She has always said how wonderful he is and how lucky I am to have such an attractive man in my life. We are getting a villa in Portugal so would have room - but I really would so much rather she never came!
I feel guilty admitting that, but even more worried about the fact that she's really attractive and I don’t want the competition! My husband and I have a great relationship but I know he’s fond of her and is always saying how lucky he is that his wife’s best friend is gorgeous. He’s told me he’d be very happy for her to come along!

I just don’t know why I feel this way. Should I just ignore my feelings and do the right thing - or should I just put my foot down and feel like a bitch? Please advise. I can’t really say my husband looks at her all the time, or makes me feel worried - I just do!

Jane says...

You know this is all about your gut instinct don't you!? We all have them and we should all pay them serious attention!

You sound to me like a balanced and decent person clearly wanting to do the right thing - but some worry is kicking in. I don’t think you need to investigate that worry too deeply - just recognise it and act on it.

It’s never great feeling competition even if it's unfounded, and you’re not going to have a great holiday if you feel uncomfortable and slightly guilty as to why.
Two is company and three is most definitely a crowd - also a marriage needs looking after, and a holiday is a wonderful opportunity to do that.

Just tell your friend that you hope she understands but you are really looking forward to some time alone with your husband. If she’s gorgeous and not that bothered about losing her man in the first place then she will find a replacement fairly fast. Put yourself first here and do not feel guilty about doing that!

I awoke this morning covered in dogs!

Not so unusual really - they do seem to gravitate to my room clearly enjoying a bit of Egyptian cotton and a few goose feathers. What was unusual was my reaction to this, which was unusually benign.

I’m not normally great in the morning, as anyone that knows me will testify to. I’ve usually done the 3-5am lying awake bit - worrying about all the things I struggle to remember in the cold light of day; but today was different. I woke up feeling an unusual sense of peace, happiness and ultimately, gratitude.

Trying to extend this unusual euphoric feeling I tiptoed about the place scared of breaking the spell.

I never made any of the phone calls that I knew were bound to annoy me - and I never ate the dreaded muesli - but went for boiled eggs and soldiers instead.

"I happily accepted the fact that I'm never going to be able to contort myself…"

I never pushed myself too hard in my pilates class - whatever is the point? I happily accepted the fact that I’m never going to be able to contort myself, and just gave in to being grateful when we were told to lie down and relax.

Then, rather than speed walk the street back to the flat - I nipped into the bookshop, where I had wonderful coffee and a lovely gluten free chocolate bun...and bought a trashy novel.

All of this so simple and really all so obvious.

Let's just be a bit kinder to ourselves and give ourselves a break. As the wonderful Victoria Wood would I’m sure have agreed - 'lets get on with enjoying this life more - it’s really not a rehearsal!'

As I now type this - from the sofa rather than at the table perched on a hard chair - I’m again feeling a real sense of gratitude. Not because I’ve managed the whole day without wanting to scream at anybody, but because I’ve discovered how to live an ordinary day more happily, and it’s just a great shame it’s taken all these years and a couple of scabby dogs to make me understand that.

"Jane - I want to swap education for fashion…"

Q:

Please will you help me explain to my mum that I cannot stay at school until I’m 18?

ALL my life she knows I’ve wanted to work in fashion, even when I was little she says I would dress up and it was the only thing I was interested in. She now says that instead of leaving school at 16 and going to get a job working in fashion in London I must stay 'til I’m 18 and get more qualifications.

We really do get on well and I know she has my best interests at heart but she really doesn’t understand how much this all means to me. I thought if you could  help me explain to her it might help convince her.

Thanks so much, I think you are lovely with Binky and I love the fact you listen to her xx

A:

Sweetheart, I’m really sorry but I do think your mother has a point here.

16 is very young to finish an education - these days especially when things are so much  harder and qualifications so important.

Of course you can still study and be involved in the fashion industry - I’m sure your school could help advise you with that right now. But don’t imagine that you could just go to London and suddenly everything is easy! Whatever you do you will need some proper support and also be a bit older.

Stay, study, and get some good marks - you can then go to Uni or fashion school and study - that way you get to work with the subject you love, while getting really vital qualifications which will prove helpful in your whole life too.

Speak to the career advisor at your school, they are best placed to help you.You can turn this dream into a reality, but do ask and take some help first.
Good luck xx

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

Okay, so it’s official  - I’m a slob!

After identifying the fact that I’m a lousy friend, I have this week set out to make amends with the remaining few people I haven’t offended - and host a dinner party.  Nothing new here, I’ve given millions in the past …could do it in my sleep!

So, over a nice glass of red - and feeling very jolly - I wrote a list of my top ten gorgeous people whose partners I can tolerate - and even started thinking about the menu. By now I’m on fire - no stone will be left unturned in my efforts, which will be reflected in the cuisine. Next morning in the cold light of day however this all seemed a bit tricky. 

Although I love the people, the thought of actually getting in touch with them individually and having the run down of what we’ve all been up to in the past months - well it’s frankly just too boring.  The best way to invite them, therefore, was to send a group email;  I’d apologise for the lack of personal contact, and resolve to make up for it on the night.  

At this stage I’m getting the fear!

"I feel like a failure with a messy house and no matching china!"

What if I decide on ten really lovely friends, and only eight can come?  I’d then have to fill the other two spaces with people I’m not so keen on, and who could potentially swing the balance from it being a great evening to an average one. I could of course make it only eight…but then I’d have to invite the original ones that couldn’t come this time to another one another time. That meant having to host another DP - and fill the remaining seats with God knows who! AGHH!

However - my resolve was stronger and I ploughed on determined to make an effort and be sociable. Breathing deeply I wrote the list and drafted the email…but sadly we are still only at this stage.  

With very good reason, as I’m sure you’ll agree, I’m beating myself up here.  I couldn't fathom what my problem was. Then, it dawned on me - its laziness!  It’s the massive effort of cleaning the house and finding all the decent stuff (that the kids haven’t probably broken anyway!) 

You can’t just go ahead and make tremulous efforts to re-engage with long-suffering friends without them seeing you’ve really tried!  

So where does this leave me? Feeling guilty! Even more guilty than when I felt that I hadn’t kept in touch with these people in the first place - and what's more I feel like a failure with a messy house and no matching china!

Difficult to know what to do now - and I’ve been pondering it for a while - but I’ve just come up with a brilliant plan!

I’m now drafting some emails to these close friends suggesting we all get together - at their place! I’m going to concoct some amazing story as to why I can’t host it here (local plague…murderers…recent earthquakes) but I’m going to let them know I’m going to be bringing all the food and wine, and its going to be wonderful!  They are going to love me for coming up with such a brilliant plan  - and I will re-establish myself as being worthy of their friendship!

Now all I need to do is make sure they don’t read this!

"Jane - my father is being inappropriate" 

Q:

Dear Mrs Felstead

Could you kindly suggest a way of me telling my father to keep his hands off my girlfriends!

Whenever I bring any girl back, or even if it’s just a date in a pub, he will find out and generally turn up. He’s charming and funny, and  I really enjoy his company - and now as my mother is sadly deceased it’s just the two of us living at home I feel a bit guilty leaving him alone,  but it’s just this one thing!

This situation seems to amuse my friends which he of course enjoys, but for me it’s beginning to be problem.  I don’t want to offend him by being outspoken.  

Thank you so much

LR

A:

What you don’t really explain is what you actually mean by ‘keeping his hands off!’  Does he actually touch them inappropriately or is it just a bit of being overly tactile?  Have any of these girls objected..,has it been really embarasssing - or just a fun hug?

Either way I can see it’s not a nice situation for you and you’re obviously upset by it all, but saying that your friends find it funny too suggests to me that it may all be a bit harmless and therefore your reaction to him might have to be gentler. 

In my experience children of quite confident people can be a little overshadowed by them, which tends to make them feel overly sensitive.  Talk to these girls and find out if they think its wrong or if they're upset by it. If they are then I’m afraid you will have to be direct and tell him that a man of a certain age must keep his hands to himself if he wants to be included in the lives of his son's friends.  That will be a much needed slap down and I’m sure will humiliate him enough into behaving. 

Men are always going to be attracted to young girls - so maybe don’t take your girlfriends home so much - or tell him that you’re going to a different pub.  I’m sure that the fact he’s upsetting you would be enough to make him behave himself.

Maybe suggest moving out - that would probably work well too; I’m sure he’d be devastated and miss you  terribly - and would really concentrate his mind on finding someone of his own age!

Good luck J X

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

It's really funny...

…that some quite simple things that are fundamental to our happiness often get overlooked simply because we’re too busy to open our mind to them.

It was while I was having my hair cut last week that I read an article in a magazine about friendship. It wasn’t one of those cheesy ‘Oh My God I Love All My Friends’ pieces - more an adult observation of how important friendship is to give, and receive - and how not to take it for granted.

Being a Virgo, I immediately took this to be a criticism aimed specifically at me (we Virgos are really good at over analysing and imagining ourselves lacking) and instantly I went into a justification of why I don’t bother to contact certain people - and why I ended up sending only 15 cards last Christmas.  

Negativity I thought - that’s what I dislike in people more than anything. The reason I don’t see many of the people I once called friends is simple: being around them made me miserable! I then realised that this is of course a massive overreaction on my part as not everyone I have cut out of my life is negative - there must be other reasons (maybe it was me!)

I will admit to having a very low boredom threshold which is understandable if you’re 18 - but far less attractive when you’re ‘a woman of a certain age’  and should know better. I have also said how lucky I am to spend so much time in the company of the young who may well be annoying - but never dull; and I wondered if it was because of this fact that I had actually become intolerant to many of my old mates whose lives weren’t touched by such madness.

"Today sees me having a bit of a Facebook spring clean"

I began to feel the guilt... which is another thing we Virgos have a degree in! 

So with all this in mind I decided to conduct a little search of the people I knew, and hadn’t heard of in ages - and coincidentally had been sending Christmas cards too - and begin with Facebook. I would find out what my friends had been up to...maybe get in touch…it would be lovely to see them and re-establish relationships with these sensible intelligent people.  

Well - what a revelation! I hadn’t realised quite how much I had been irritating many of my old - and now no longer - friends!

Things I had been getting on with in blissful ignorance were clearly not allowed in their eyes and had become really annoying to them. It’s a bit sad that some believe that just because we age we are expected to conform to a certain stereotype - but there you go.

So - I do think friendship is vital - and I believe that even more now in light of my recent findings. I also think that it’s a big ask to expect people to stick with us as we age and probably change;  it’s a bit like husbands I suppose - just because we marry when we’re 25 it’s naive (although obviously desirable) to assume we’re going to have a massive love connection in our sixties.

Today sees me having a bit of a Facebook spring clean. I am going to concentrate on being a better, more interested and communicative friend. I have also recognised the fact that it’s far better to have fewer friends and really want to see them - but it’s a shame it’s taken me 60+ years to understand that.

“Jane – I’m ashamed to admit this…”

 Q:

I’m writing to you anonymously as I’m pretty ashamed about what I have to say.

7 months ago my girlfriend who I love very much gave birth to our son. She asked me to be there with her for this, which I was, albeit reluctantly, although I don’t think she realised that. I was scared that seeing the whole thing would put me off my girlfriend a bit and didn’t want her to know that.

My problem is that it has. I love her and I love my son, it’s just that I cannot get back to the place we were before as I still have these pictures in my mind. She is now looking at me wondering why I don’t want to have sex with her as much as I did and I can’t tell her as there’s nothing she can do about it and it would obviously hurt her.

I feel ashamed as I know that most of my mates have been around to see their children coming into the world and didn’t find it a problem. Is this normal at all, and is there anything I can do about it do you think?

 A:

I don’t  think it’s as unusual as you think or people would have you believe. The problem is, as always, a lack of communication and honesty, particularly among men who find opening up so much harder.

I think men approach sex in different ways - some more caring and sensitive - others more typical and ‘blokey’. You obviously fall into the former category, which is actually quite lovely; and you must understand that. You must now use these traits to your advantage.

Your partner clearly loves you and understands what you’re like as a man, so probably has a rough idea of what’s going on already and - although she’ll hate it - what the problem is.

Talk to her. Explain that the trauma of seeing the birth and her obvious distress has affected you, as you do love her. Then arrange for somebody to have the baby for a weekend if possible and take her away. I am sure that just the two of you getting out of your own environment will help you to see her as an attractive carefree girl again - and a laugh and glass of wine over dinner is a jolly good way to start this process.

Also remember that the lead up to sex and the excitement of that is often as good as the thing itself, so don’t put yourself under pressure to go the whole hog in the beginning. Just buy some lovely oils, rub her back for her and give her a jolly good cuddle. Very often these small intimate gestures work far better for a sensitive soul than the more obvious methods.

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

Funny beings we humans...

Why do I wake on the first real spring morning - with tweeting birds (my birds are very socially aware), daffodils pushing through the grass and bright sunlight streaming through the windows - to decide that the time has finally come to sell my darling old house?

All of us have just gone through a miserable long winter, where for me even the prospect of walking Ted through the sticky grey mud was so horrific I considered re-homing him and buying myself a goldfish! So why then now - when finally things are beginning to look brighter - do I think ‘now’s the time’?

My house is no ordinary place; I'd known of it for years before we lived there, and always thought how much I'd love to own it - and then one day while out with Binks, searching to find a place to re-create the family home, there it was - with a 'for sale' sign up!

"My birds are very socially aware"

Needless to say it was clearly meant to be, as two months later we were in, with the dear old (seemingly fragile) place hosting some of the wildest parties, and the most wonderful Christmases. The memories of those will linger, and it was perfect for us all at the time. Sadly though, kids grown up - and although they all (especially Binks) would like me to hold onto it forever, it would really only be so they could come and veg out while I run around looking after them. 

So, I suppose it was waking and seeing it looking so glorious that I finally had to admit to myself that it was time for me to leave (it is far too big for me to live in alone anyway) and let another family have the benefit of it’s beauty. As I sit writing this I know that all will be fine and that it's really only a house.

I think it's also okay for any of us to understand and realise that we are allowed to be sad and a bit emotional about what is in fact only bricks and mortar - I only wish I had made this discovery at the beginning of the winter - and poor Ted hadn’t had to feel so 'nervy’ every time a stranger came to call!

My wonderful home...

"Jane, did I make a mistake moving in with him...?"

Q:

Hi Jane,

My boyfriend and I have lived together for nearly a year. All is okay but for one thing: every time we have a row or I tell him something he doesn’t want to hear he accuses me of pressuring him to move in together and how he knew we would row or I would moan. 

I suppose I was more ready for us to live together than him, but I think that he’s using it as an excuse as most of the time he’s happy.  

I don’t want to leave him but I wonder if this is going to go on forever and if so what should I say about it all.  I don’t think I would be able to just go along with everything for the sake of peace and quiet, but I do feel he’s holding all the cards!

A:

Well I certainly think he thinks he got a good thing going on here! He hasn’t of course because this sort of behaviour doesn’t withstand in a relationship, which will  eventually fall apart with this sort of pressure.

It's all crazy of course. Maybe you were keener than him to take the relationship to the next level - but that doesn’t give him carte blanche to do whatever he likes, all the while avoiding criticism from his partner using this sort of blackmail as a tool!

My suggestion to you is that next time this situation occurs confront him with it. Tell him that you cannot go on like this and that he has to accept your right to disagree with him occasionally - and I hope justifiably. 

It's totally ridiculous to feel fearful of being honest - and if he can’t cope with this then frankly in my opinion you would be better out of the relationship as he’s clearly either unkind or emotionally immature.

What I do think however is that he’ll get a bit of a shock when you talk to him honestly, and if you are really genuine - and you should be - then he will grow up a couple of years and see your argument for the sense it is!

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

I’m hugely embarrassed!

I must be the only person - born, and still living in London - that had never heard of the Design Centre in Chelsea Harbour - let alone been there.

I’ve always reckoned on being pretty ‘out there' but in retrospect I must have been buried under a rock for the last, well, goodness knows how many years, as everybody I’ve since banged on about it to, look at me pityingly - one saying that “having been to your home, Jane, it really came as no surprise!”

So, last week was London Design Week, and I was invited by a lovely man who himself has a showroom, to wander around, and take a look at all the amazing shops, with the wonderful tapestries and fabrics, home decorations and furniture. It was incredible.

"I admit - I'm an obvious style virgin!"

I met some lovely people who feel real passion for what they do. I had some champagne foist upon me (!) and came away feeling slightly ashamed of myself for not being more aware of what is effectively on my doorstep - never recognising what we as a nation have to offer, or how it’s regarded by the rest of the world.

For any other 'obvious style virgins' - The Design Centre is described as ‘couture for the home’ and well established as the ‘world’s premier destination for design excellence.' Well - I’ve always been pretty happy with Zara home myself - or at least I was…which is now a bit of a worry!

Fashion may not be everybody’s bag, and maybe home décor isn’t either; I do think though that taking some time out just to wander around and have a look - maybe having coffee or lunch at one of the lovely bars overlooking the harbour while you’re at it - makes for something different. And who knows - you could come out with a plan.

You can get a little guidance from the personal shopping service, and never make those boring and costly mistakes again - leaving much more cash for the shoes and handbag which also makes a trip to Chelsea ‘an essential!’

The Regency Roll Arm Sofa from www.englishgeorgian.com

“Mummy Felstead – How do I explain this to my boyfriend?”

Q:

Help me please!
I love my boyfriend very much and we’ve had a great time together, but he wants to go and live overseas where he comes from and where his parents live.
I never believed this would happen but in the back of my mind always thought I would like the idea if it did, but now it’s happening and he wants me to go as well, I’m not so sure.
He comes from a poor area and has a dream of doing some amazing things for his people, but I’m not so sure he’ll be able to pull this off very quickly. I also hate myself for not supporting him, but I think I must be scared or something. I love my own parents who live 5 miles away from us, and I’m not sure how they’d cope if I went.
PLEASE help me with some advice, I really don’t know where my head is and it’s scary. JS xx

 A:

Gosh darling, the only answer here is to sit him down and be gently yet totally honest. When you’ve thought about this in the past it’s clearly been very romantic. The harsh reality will be very far from that I suspect - and you must only take that step if you’re 100% certain.

Clearly you’re not - so explain that to him. If he doesn’t understand then frankly he’s not being very mature - and the last thing you want is to be in a situation like this with somebody who has a dream but isn’t mature or understanding enough to realise that it’s not for everybody.

What he’s proposing will be a huge mission I suspect, so let him go and begin. If he has his own parents he will have the support from them, and you can always go and visit and assess the situation. Don’t be scared - be honest - if not I fear you will be unhappy. xx

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page

After a busy old week in London…

…it was a joy to hit the south coast on Friday to bright sunshine, while knowing it was too cold to do anything in the garden.

I’ve never been majorly into gardening - and although I could practically salivate watching Monty Don hose down his tools I’m a big fan of doing that on the sofa. Although chance would be a fine thing!

I had been invited to go and look around Raystede (www.raystede.org)  a fab animal sanctuary, close to me in East Sussex. Although I know I’ve taken my kids there in the past, I was unprepared for how much it had evolved over its 42 acres, and what great work is going on. It’s funded purely on donations, and as always with these places the enthusiasm and dedication of the staff is pretty awe-inspiring.

As we walked around the aviary, an African Blue Parrot shouted ‘Weirdo!’ This naturally made my day. We had never been formally introduced - but he’d already made a pretty fair assessment and I have nothing but respect!

After a couple of hours taking in the lake and wildfowl and then the donkeys and the horses - we ended up looking at the dogs.

“I could practically salivate watching Monty Don hose down his tools”

Tweeting a picture of a young lurcher dog was my first mistake of the day! Binks IMMEDIATELY came back saying ‘Bring him home…..please!’  We are now going to have to go back on Wednesday for her to have a cuddle - and I pray I can manage to persuade her that her one muddy little canine in London is enough!

The dogs there are for re-homing - as are many of the animals, and it was wonderful to see so many people there intending to do just that. We all love a puppy - but when my darling Ted finally meets his maker (and if he doesn’t stop being rude to Rottweilers that may be sooner rather than later) I shall definitely go for one of those lovely little creatures who, through no fault of their own, have found themselves alone. 

We ended up in the café eating delish cake, so all in all a pretty perfect day - and one which I would recommend to anybody.  There’s so much to see and do - and smile at - and in such wonderful surroundings it does really make for the best day out. There’s even a charity shop - so you can re-home a few unwanted goods too – while discovering more than a few things you never knew you couldn’t live without!

“Jane – I’m just not a countryside-type”

Q:

 My husband wants us to leave London and move out to somewhere more rural. He says he can get the train in every day and he wouldn’t mind.

 I know this makes sense as living would be cheaper and the kids would love it but I’m a bit scared if I’m honest. I have never lived out of town before, and although the arguments against it are all from me,  I do feel like I’m being stormed into this decision.

 I know it’s for all the right reasons that he (and the children) want to move, and I’m feeling really guilty even writing this. At what point to do have to take myself into account, or am I just being selfish?

 A:

 No – I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. I think you are being very honest - it’s sensible viewing this idea from everyone’s perspective including your own. An unhappy mother makes for a very unhappy family, and this fact must never be overlooked.  

Although there are obvious advantages to a plan like this, there can be disadvantages too - long and expensive commutes for instance. A big move away from all you’ve known is scary - and it’s certainly not for everyone.

Having said that, if it works for you then it can be amazing. Can’t you try and decide upon where you would actually like to move to - then make an effort over the next few months to spend as much time as possible there?  It would give you a chance to see what the locals are like and the schools and infrastructure etc.

All sounds a bit clinical I know, but it’s so much better than just taking a romantic view which can lead to serious disappointment. If you find an area with many other like-minded women of your age then the chances are that you will settle quickly and happily, and learn from them how to cope with the differences. 

Speak to your husband and explain your concerns. If he sees you taking the idea seriously, and that you’re just trying to 'iron out' your worries, I feel sure he will understand and support you while you make the right decisions for you…which is essential! X

Don't forget to send me your questions for a Mummy Felstead Q&A via email - [email protected] - or on Twitter @mummyfelstead or on my Facebook page