PHILADELPHIA—Thrusting backward on his chair’s casters while banking sharply to the left as if he were pulling hard on the control stick of an F/A-18C Hornet, local billing associate Erik Brison reportedly pushed away from his desk Tuesday like a Blue Angel breaking formation.

MILWAUKEE—Posing the question in a company-wide email Monday, Brandful Interactive marketing associate Peter Schulte reportedly inquired whether any of his colleagues were interested in laying bare their physical inadequacies in a recreational basketball league this year.

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

WHEELING, WV—Sources at Kiskey High School confirmed that Mrs. Landrum’s seventh-period English class looked on in sympathy Wednesday as the teacher turned to face her students and inadvertently erased part of the whiteboard with her gigantic ass.

ORANGE, CA—Checking over his shoulder to make sure no one else was within earshot, area man Derek Jordan reportedly felt deeply ashamed of himself Wednesday after a cashier at a local fast-food restaurant read his order back to him.

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.