Brian HeaterVerified account

There's an eight year old on the train with a young readers CSI book. Nothing feels good about this.

Look I found the hand clapping emoji

Bad Wraps is a fun name for a sandwich restaurant I probably wouldn't eat at.

Reince Priebus and Marco Rubio have a real kid who just ate the wrong side of a Frosted Mini-Wheat and is now wearing an adult suit vibe.

I am alive to tweet because my President made sure women with cancer can't be denied insurance because we have cancer. Thanks, Obama.

Terrestrial radio may be dead, but stations are staying alive on Facebook with this one weird trick.

I bet Obama told Biden they were getting Shake Shack for lunch to trick him into going to the surprise Medal of Honor press conference.

Who's the most famous Beyoncé?

Pret A Manger: Fuck It, We're Going to Put Cilantro in Everything

And the card attached would say / Sorry this gift is so big / It's mostly packing material

RT if you think @tedleo should put out a new album. Like if when you really think about it, hotdogs are actually pretty gross.

How has school prayer not been floated as a cheap and effective alternative for Obamacare?

Obama was an imperfect president, but would still be remembered as a good one even if he wasn't sandwiched between giant garbage monsters.

What's the expression? Politics and paying prostitutes to pee on each other makes strange bedfellows.

Kellyanne Conway is made entirely of bees.